For the first time in a few years, I, Sammy Sportface, am going to get a full physical check-up with my internist.
He’s going to ask me lots of uncomfortable questions about my eating and exercise habits that I don’t have good answers to. I’ll have to tell him I love fast food and am pretty much addicted to it and that’s why I’ve got a rather large stomach.
He’ll ask me what I eat and how much at fast food joints and I’ll have to tell him the truth: a lot of everything including Whoppers and Baconators and large fries and milkshakes and large mash potatoes of large chicken breasts and Bo-Berry biscuits.
He’ll tell me it’s not healthy to eat that much fast food and suggest I eat other things such as salads and fruits. I’ll tell him I like the tastes of Baconators a lot more than apples and he’ll tell me if I keep up my habits I’m going to be 500 pounds before too long.
This is always how the conversation goes with my internist. He asks me penetrating questions, I answer him honestly, and he tells me I have to change my habits.
I don’t enjoy this type of interpersonal exchange. I want to tell him I love fast food and then have him applaud this and tell me I’m living a healthy and intelligent way that he thinks is exactly what I should be doing.
But this never happens. We’re left disagreeing about what’s good for me and what I like.
In this uncomfortable mood, he then tells me to lie down on my back so he can feel my belly. He pokes around and I feel soreness. “Does that hurt?” he asks.
“Yes, Doc,” I say.
“Maybe you have a hernia or a tumor on your stomach or liver,” he says. “We’ll need to get an x-ray of your abdomen to see what’s causing the pain. I’ll refer you to Dr. Steven Stomach for that. He specializes in taking hundreds of photos of your stomach to see what’s wrong and then charges you $100,000.”
“Doc, I don’t want to be referred to anybody,” I say. “I came here just to get through this and now you’re referring me to some other doc who is going to feel up my stomach and tell me there may be something wrong in there. This isn’t enjoyable.”
“This isn’t supposed to be enjoyable, Sportface,” said Doc. “This is supposed to make you uncomfortable and cost you a lot of money and time going around getting referrals and thousands of x-rays. That’s how doctors like me get rich and buy big houses near lakes.”
Doc finishes checking out my belly and then starts feeling up my head.
“How’s your head?” he asks. “How are you thinking these days?”
“I’m writing a lot of incoherent Sammy Sportface blogs,” said Sportface.
“Incoherent you said,” said Doc. “You might have something wrong in there. I’m referring you to a neurosurgeon to see if you need brain surgery. The doc will take a thousand x-rays of your brain and charge you $100,000. And I’m referring you to a psychiatrist because writing incoherent blogs doesn’t sound mentally normal.”
So I was feeling great. A potential tumor in my belly and potential brain surgery and I’m out several hundred thousand dollars.
“How’s your Johnson?” asked Doc.
“It’s still there, Doc.”
“Awesome,” says Doc. “Always good to hang on to Johnson.
“It’s time to check your prostate,” he said.
“No can do, doc,” I said. “I’ve had enough of you feeling me up.”
“But I have to do this. It’s my duty.”
“Ain’t happenin’, doc,” I said.
“OK how about I just hold you nuts and you cough and we’ll see if it sounds like you’ve got some weird testicular problem.”
“OK, fine,” I say. “You can feel my nuts but we aren’t going through the back door today.”
Once the nut fondling was done, I pulled up my pants and said: “I’m outta here, doc. Time for a few Baconators.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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