Urban

Urban “Legend” Meyer Rips Resumes of Assistants Before Getting Fired

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For his Monday morning coaches meeting this morning, Jacksonville Jaguars head coach Urban “Legend” Meyer demands that all the coaches bring in their resumes. He’s disgusted with their performance and questioning their competence and looking to blame them for his team’s 2-12 start.

“Let me see that resume,” he says to one of his assistants, Arthur Assistant. “It says here your key skills are backstabbing bosses and talking to the press about them to get their fired.”

The assistant said: “Yeah, I’m good at that. But if you read down further you’ll see that I was the president of my college fraternity and the captain of my high school debate team.”

Meyer isn’t impressed. He grabs another one of his assistant’s resumes.

“It says here you’ve got extensive experience conspiring with players to get them to turn on their head coach so the coach will get fired,” said Meyer. “So you’re the guy who encouraged the players to talk bad about me and leave practice because they can’t stand all my abusive yelling.”

“Not me, coach,” said the assistant named Andy. “The players are turning on you all on their own because they hate you. You lost the locker room after dancing with that woman in the bar in Ohio instead of flying back with the team to Jacksonville after the Bungles blew us out.”

Meyer becomes enraged. He pulls out his own resume and starts talking about how brilliant he is and the national championships he won at the U. of Florida and Ohio State.

“You guys are losers,” he said. “I’m a winner and can’t stand being around losers.”

“But coach, you hired us,” said Andy Assistant. “You read our resumes during the interview process.”

“No I didn’t,” said Meyer. “I figured I was such a great coach I didn’t need to worry about hiring good assistants. But I didn’t think you guys would all turn out to be losers.”

Meyer then tells them about the skills listed at the top of his resume to show them why he’s far superior to them as a coach. Under the Skills section at the top of the page, he lists the following:

  • Excel at recruiting high school players that end up committing crimes while college students
  • Outstanding at psychologically abusing assistant coaches and players
  • Proven track record of being evasive and sleazy whenever speaking in public

“My resume tells the story of a Hall of Fame football coach’s most important skills,” said Meyer. “I can’t believe I’m associated now with so many losers. When I get fired this week, I’m going to make sure that everybody knows that you guys are to blame for why we suck.”

The meeting was then disrupted because Meyer received a call on his smartphone. It was the team owner relieving him of his duties as head coach. It was a big moment getting tossed before the end of his first year as coach of the woeful Jaguars, setting some sort of ignominious record for organizational dysfunction, discontent, and disappointment.

Sammy Sportface

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Sammy Sportface

Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here: Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page
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Sammy Sportface
Sammy Sportface
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:

Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out

Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page

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