You’re getting old.
So am I.
But there are some things we can do to fight off the aging process, punch it in the nose, give it a tight wedgie and hang it up on the bedroom closet tie hook.
What are those things, you ask?
Thanks for asking.
There are at least five I can think of without even searching Wikipedia or listening to a Ted Talk. Take these ideas in and feel younger and more virile. Feel your salt and pepper hair now brunette or blonde.
One: Subscribe to Boys Life Magazine. Reading about what boys care about will distract from you thinking about what old men think about. Cancel your subscription to Old Man News. It’s part of the Sammy Sportface Syndication Network so can’t have much to offer.
Boys are about sports and adventure. They want to do things with their lives, climb trees, smash bugs, throw balls. They’re excited about finding a woman who loves them or will at least go in the bushes for some giggles. In the mind of a boy, it’s all about the future and what he can make of himself, what rollercoaster to ride, whether to do a jackknife, cannonball, or gainer off the high dive.
Thinking like boys think, you’ll be in a fixated mindset of what you could do with your life, what thrills you can experience, not what you didn’t do and wish you had.
Two: Don’t spend any time on the American Association of Retired Persons website. It’s all about how to pay for nursing homes you’ll be living in one day, what money you need to invest to gain some easy money through compounding interest on some stock or bond.
That’s as dry as Arizona 24/7 and as bleak as Bizmark, North Dakota in January.
Juice up your life by going to the website called “Denying Reality.” There you’ll be able to read articles by people who won’t accept their fates such as that they’re a Baby Boomer. Denial is mental gymnastics, like the parallel bars, when it comes to reversing the aging process.
If you read about denying reality, you’d be surprised at how easy it will be for you to deny reality and do mischievous acts.
Three: Smoke weed. Once you inhale, chill for a few minutes. Soon enough you most assuredly won’t care about getting older. You won’t know you’re getting older and will be able to convince yourself you’re actually getting younger but most of all you’ll just lose all interest in the topic.
When high as the sky, you’ll no longer have any hang-ups about your fast-track to geezerhood. Age won’t matter to you. Being young won’t even be on your radar. The only thing you’ll care about is, well, being high and thinking about how freeing it feels to be high. Oh, and Fritos.
One hundred and six years old? Whatever, you’re high. Numbers are just numbers.
Seventy-six years old? Wasn’t there some good offensive lineman who wore number 76? Was it Jerry Kramer with the Packers?
Four: Watch “Happy Days” re-runs. No one on that show, except Mr. Cunningham, was concerned about aging. The rest of the characters were focused on the moment, the next party, Fonzie, and Pinkie Tuscadero’s next fling.
Get lost in that world of Richie and Potsie. Escape. It’s a world where aging and growing old aren’t even the subject of any episodes. Nothing on Happy Days will trigger thoughts of your last days on Earth as a 92-year-old flat on your back with an oxygen tube strapped around your face to help you gasp a few more times before it all stops.
Don’t think about that. It’ll make you age faster. Don’t think about your prostate blowing up to the size of a Spalding Basketball. Don’t think about your internal organs shriveling, your legs striped with bulging purple veins.
Block all that out. Don’t read any blogs that even mention these things and you’ll feel yourself in full-throttle reverse gear blazing towards a younger age than you are now.
Five: Go to see your therapist. Tell her you’re on an anti-aging crusade. Explain your situation this way: Every minute of every day you want to be focused on, and making progress towards, becoming a 12-year-old star athlete for your elementary school without worries about anything.
Regale her with the face that you are also a steady Eddie B/B- student and popular with the girls and are not worried about being an old man because 12-year-olds feel invincible. Become 12. Be 12.
Listen to the therapist. She’ll tell you you can convince yourself you’re younger and actually be younger if you just harness the power of your mind in much the way Norman Vincent Peale told us to believe in The Power of Positive Thinking.
Believe you are young and vibrant. And you are that.
Be 32. Be 42. Be 17.
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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