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We saw something we’ve never seen before at the Olympics. A woman wore a monster mask during her shot-put event. You read that right: A Halloween mask during real athletic competition.
This got me thinking. What if Halloween masks became a craze in other sporting events? Wouldn’t it be fitting for Nick Saban, coach of 67 national titles in college football, to rock a Lucifer/Satan mask on the sidelines? Then we could call him Nick Satan. He’s not really Satan but seems quite evil the way he acts sometimes.
Elsewhere in football, I think it be would entertaining, and a practical move, for punters, wide receivers, and running backs to wear masks shaped and exactly replicating an athletic cup.
Why? Because these guys are always the most likely to need a real cup to protect their man region from getting pulverized. So why not sport a mask that looks like a cup to remind the defensive players not to pop these guys in the nuts? I’ve always been a fan of fewer guys getting racked. Once it happens to you, you always feel this way.
Shifting to magazines, let’s consider the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Each woman could wear a fishnet mask on their face, to see through to the lips and mouths, to remind us all of the mind-blowing fishnet suit Cheryl Tiegs wore in a photo in the magazine’s Swimsuit Issue. That was back when you Baby Boomer Brothers were teenagers and twenty-somethings and took the magazine upstairs with you and closed the doors.
Here’s another idea: Have The Beard, James Harden, wear The Bearded Lady mask during his Brooklyn Nets games next season. Both have beards. Symmetry is soothing. Men and women finally coming together stylistically. Moment of silence, please.
But let’s take this off the field of play into the healthcare field. I see one specific and exciting opportunity to wear a Shrek mask. When Baby Boomer Brothers go to get their colonoscopies, they enter the hospital procedure room in a Shrek mask.
This would not be to mess with the minds of the doctors and nurses, although wearing this mask probably will make them wonder why you’re doing it and make them more inclined to stick it up your rear with more force.
But the real reason for the Shrek mask comes after they pump you with your Quaaludes and they have the thing stuck up your chute to check all up in there.
Next thing you know, once the Ludes wear off, you’re in the infamous fart room with five other people you don’t know and will never see again. All of them are lying on their backs farting along with you.
You’ll be wearing your Shrek mask. They’ll understand why, because they saw the movie when, Shrek let out some bodacious bottom burps in his dirty swamp. Once finished unleashing, you’ll bust away and then saunter out not worrying or feeling embarrassed.
And you’ll have a mask on. They won’t know who you are. All they’ll remember is the aroma you left in the room.
And that will be more than enough.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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