March Madness: Wolfman Jack Roars for 35 Against Kansas

“I was playing my kinda music with Kansas today that’s for sure,” said Wolfman Jack, who looks to be about 49 years old. “Those McDonalds All-Americans on that team got nuthin’ on me. They couldn’t handle me, just like in that Flo Ri Da song ‘Club Can’t Handle Me.’ They thought because I had a big ugly beard I couldn’t play ball. But I proved to the entire country that Wolfman can ball with the best of ‘em and definitely if he had red hair, would look like Bill Walton in his second year with the Blazers.”

Bill Walton, calling the game for TNT, had this to say: “My boy Wolfman was almost as great today as me when I made 21 of 22 shots in the national championship game 100 years ago,” he said. “He was as spectacular as thunder, as bright as sunlight, as marvelous and marauding as mountain ranges in Montana.”

After the game, Walton interviewed Wolfman:

“Hey Wolfman,” he asked. “What’s with your big beard? Are you trying to brand yourself as some sort of great outdoorsman from the Great Northwest?”

“Right on, it’s a personal branding thing,” said Wolfman. “I figure I need to stand out on the court so people notice me and write blogs about me. It worked. Sammy Sportface is posting a blog about me and comparing me to you.”

Walton knows all about Sportface. Recently he wrote about the big redhead jumping off the Grand Canyon. Walton was saved when Antonio Brown caught him mid-air in his air balloon.

“Sportface has no readers,” says Walton. “No one will read his blog.”

“He told me he’s got 70 followers on his Facebook page,” said Wolfman. “That sounded like a lot to me.”

Wolfman had help in his 35-point game from Jack Perry, a finance major and Academic All-American from Melbourne, Australia. Sporting a 3.7 grade point average. Perry ran around the court and set some good picks once in a while but got no rebounds or assists and had no real impact on the game.

“Perry helps me with my finance homework so I can’t fault him for not contributing a whole lot in our game today,” said Wolfman. “Life is a series of trade-offs.”

In his spare time, Perry rides his skateboard around the local strip malls near the Eastern Washington campus.

“I’m great at finance and skateboarding but not so great at basketball,” said Perry. “But at least I’m going to be mentioned in a Sammy Sportface blog.”