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The endless caravan of drivers and runners arrive in Gibsonton, Florida, America’s haven for circus performers, 11 miles south of Tampa Bay.
Starting now, Gibsonton becomes the tent city tailgate for a multi-day extravaganza called Cirque de Sportface. The 24-7 celebration of life, tailgates, football, and Tom Brady will lubricate the masses for next weekend’s Sportface Bowl between the Tom Bradys and Kansas City Chiefs.
“Oh my goodness, look around and take in all these spectacular scenes, the smell of the deep blue sea, the sunshine soothing our souls and shoulder blades,” says Bill Walton, who drove the Wienermobile all 1,385 miles while commenting on the great American outdoors. “What more can you ask for?
“If you thought Tundra Fest, Sports Gras, and SportStock scintillated your souls, wait till you experience all the gifts that Cirque de Sportface will deliver. Prepare your minds and hearts to be lifted into the Heavens for all eternity. Let’s live these moments like lions in loincloths.”
Up above, thousands of multi-colored air balloons fill the skies in festival formation. In one hangs Antonio Brown, who last year guided his air balloon into the first day of practice for the Los Angeles Raiders before he got cut and lost $29 million.
On the ground tents sprawl for miles in all directions. Thousands of Daytona Beach bikers in black leather jackets and long blue jeans park their rides in tent city. Each biked over 110 miles to wait in line for hours at the tattoo tents.
Truck, the leader of the convoy of thousands of trucks, does a press interview with Truck Magazine about why the truckers have become caught up in the multi-weekend playoff NFL tailgates. “Mercy sakes alive,” says Truck, “I don’t really know.”
On the ground circus characters swarm. Rocking his white wedding dress, Dennis Rodman marries the Siamese twin sisters, reciting his vows to each one of them. Charles Barkley, feeling healthy because he manscaped this morning, serves as the best man for the impromptu ceremony.
“How beautiful this is, Rodman, marrying the circus Siamese twins,” says Walton. “I say yes to the dress.”
Stephen A. attempts to tightrope 300 feet above but falls like a rock from the baby blue sky. Fearing he’s deceased, the crowd gasps. He lands safely in a nylon acrobats net.
Brett Favre, in his Wrangler Jeans and nothing else, shows everybody how tight roping gets done. The Hall of Fame quarterback saunters easily hundreds of yards to the other side for safety balancing on a piece of string the width of dental floss.
“Only Brett Favre could tightrope like that after never having tightroped before,” said John Madden. “And, boom, on a piece of dental floss.”
George Foreman Senior whips out his grills and fries hundreds of T-Belch Burgers, the new junk food rolled out today by Tom Brady’s ubiquitous TB12 brand.
But the former heavyweight champ struggles to grill a full-sized elephant. It’s proving to be a bear. Even after slicing it into a bunch of smaller pieces, the elephant guts still dangle over the side of the grill.
“I’ll grill these elephants one way or another,” says George. “May take a while but got time. Cirque de Sportface goes on all week.”
Sammy Sportface gets a call.
“Sportface, something a little odd going on here at Raymond James Stadium,” says the stadium security guard. “Some guy in dyed blond hair and a Patriots sweatshirt is acting like the soft drink delivery man. He’s unloading a bunch of stuff in the lower deck of the pirate ship in the endzone.”
“Why is that suspicious?
“Cuz I’ve never seen a soda guy deliver stuff into the lower level of the Pirate ship. Could be nothing but something doesn’t smell right.”
“Hmmm. Could be weed deliveries for Ricky Williams who lives on the deck of the ship. Keep me posted.”
Along the coast, Tampa Bay floods with cruise ships and fishing boats trolling for trout. It’s boat gridlock all the way to the horizon where the sky meets the ocean.
Count all these people – up in the air and on the ground – as the early arrivers. Over the next several days, tens of millions more people will crash down on this unprecedented circus drawing more than Woodstock, SportStock, Sports Gras and Tundra Fest combined.
The next act of the day starts. On gigantic jumbotrons all over the circus grounds, the crowd watches Forrest Gump, from a barge in the Gulf of Mexico, slide into a rocket that looks like the Apollo 13.
In his Alabama football jersey, shoulder pads, and football pants, Gump slides into the bottom of the tube-shaped white rocket
Then boom. Towards the Heavens he flies at 389 miles per hour out, shooting over Tampa, Disney World in Orlando, and Cape Canaveral. He then splashes headfirst into the Atlantic Ocean.
At splashdown, in the tent area set reserved for rock and roll bands and stoners, Elton John plays this song to celebrate the feat:
Back on the ground, a clown car rolls up. Out pop Robert Kraft and Roger Goddess. But no Belichick.
To be continued…
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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