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At 3 am this morning, 10 days before kickoff of the Super Bowl, Bill Belichick has arrived at Raymond James Stadium in the dark of the night so no one would see him.
He’s sporting his cut-off charcoal black sweatshirt, blue Patriots sweatpants, and a black winter cap like the one The Edge (David Evans) always wears when he’s on stage ripping his guitar for U2.
Nobody’s around except Ricky Williams, who’s smoking weed on the upper deck and oblivious to Belichick slithering to the lower deck.
Armed with a pitchfork and shovels, he starts digging into the ground to build an underground tunnel from the ship all the way to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers locker room, which is also in the stadium some 75 yards away.
Once he finishes digging the tunnel, which he figures will take him until next Thursday unless he gets a forklift to expedite the project, he’s got plans in mind.
Scheme one: Carve out the tunnel to the film room where Brady will be watching film day and night of the Kansas City Chiefs and hundreds of other teams he’s played over the past 20 years.
He’ll build an inconspicuous trap door down to the tunnel. He’ll embed a tiny microphone in that room that will feed him whatever Brady’s saying to himself or his coach and receivers about how they’re going to strategize to win his seventh Super Bowl.
Belichick will then relay whatever’s strategically valuable and sensitive to the top brass with the Chiefs.
Scheme two: Extend the tunnel down the hall and build an unrecognizable trap door inside the Tampa Bay equipment room where the Super Bowl balls will be pumped up before the game.
An hour before kickoff, Belichick will sneak into that room and pump up the balls to 14.5 pounds per square inch (PSI). This will serve two purposes. It will make Brady’s balls feel uncomfortable.
As we all know too well, Johnny Foxboro prefers his balls to be around 12.5 PSI. Pumping them to 14.5 will increase the chances of the quarterback throwing bad pic sixes in front of 200 million people. That in turn will severely jeopardize his chances of winning his seventh Super Bowl.
But that’s not all. When the NFL refs check the PSIs of the balls before the game, they’ll find out Brady’s balls blew up to 14.5 PSI, far outside the allowed range of 12.5 to 13.5 PSI.
For this ball-busting transgression, Brady might get disqualified from the game. This would be sort of like when Brady cheated in doctoring his balls that triggered the infamous Deflategate scandal that Belichick lied about to protect his quarterback because his quarterback was helping him win Super Bowls.
Brady, in Belichick’s mind, cannot win his seventh Super Bowl. Why? Because then everybody, including Pars and Pistol Pete, will think Brady deserves more credit for the Patriots winning six Super Bowls than Belichick.
Enough about the schemes. There are mountains of hours of physical labor ahead or none of this will pan out.
Like Charles Bronson in the movie “The Great Escape,” Belichick continues to dig into the ground.
“I remember in that movie the American soldiers named their three tunnels Tom, Dick, and Harry,” he thinks to himself. “I think I need a name from my tunnel. It’s gotta be Johnny Foxboro. Whenever I communicate sensitive information about the Buccaneers to the Chiefs over these next 10 days, I’ll refer to myself the same way as the tunnel, as Johnny Foxboro.”
After fifteen minutes, he gets tired of digging. There’s a lot of cement he has to chip away at. Tomorrow he’ll swing by Home Depot and rent a jackhammer to beat through the concrete to get to some more pleasant-feeling dirt.
For now, he’ll work on some above-the-ground mischief. Using a 200-foot ladder he stole from Home Depot, he climbs atop the light fixtures that will illuminate the practice field where the Bucs will start working out next week. He installs tiny cameras that connect back to his 128-inch flat-screen TV where he’ll check out the Super Bowl from his pirate ship bunker, probably smoking weed with Ricky.
Throughout the week on his videos, the coach will study the Patriots practices, plays, offensive and defense schemes, and trick plays and relay all that information to the Kansas City Chiefs leadership team.
He calls Kraft from atop the stadium light fixture.
“You find out yet what hotel room number Brady will be in?” asks Belichick. “Need to know that the sooner the better. Need to wire his room so I hear everything he says during Super Bowl week and tell the Chiefs everything I find out.”
“Still working it,” says Kraft. “Need to wire $900,000 to the hotel concierge and then he says he’s guaranteed us of the room number Brady will be staying in next week. But let me repeat, you schmuck. Leave me out of this. If you get busted, I don’t want you telling anybody I was in on this. You got us into this mess wanting to cut Brady, you cuss. Not it’s your job to make sure he loses the Super Bowl.”
Brady slips on his earpieces and runs into this U2 song that seems suited for the situation: “I Can’t Live With or Without You.”
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