Sportstock: Sportface Throws Woodstock Party at FedUp Field Tailgate

Sportstock: Sportface Throws Woodstock Party at FedUp Field Tailgate

Two days before the biggest game the Washington Synders have ever played, the caravan crew members scatter throughout various venues at the tent city called “Sportstock” in the parking lot at FedUp Field.

It’s a once-in-a-lifetime, unique global gathering pulled together this week by Sammy Sportface.

“Welcome to Sportstock, Stephen A.,” says Sportface.  “Come with me. I wanna give you the grand tour of the greatest outdoor party since Woodstock in 1970.”

“I’m incredibly incredulous,” says Stephen A.

Sportface starts escorting the ESPN sports giant around to the various tents in the parking lot all of which sport street names.

“This is Hog Heaven Highway,” says Sportface. Hogs from yesteryear including Russ Grimm, Joe Jacoby, and John Riggins, and members of the team’s Fun Bunch including Art Monk, Charlie Brown and Otis Wonsley, stand around stuffing hog meat down their mouths and guzzling beers and hard liquor. 

Team owner Dan Snyder stands there all cool with the former stars of his franchise. “You’re my boy, Sportface,” he said. “Keep writing those flattering blogs about me.”

The next tent features a full-blown car show. There they are the Wienermobile, The Beverly Hillbillies truck, Danica Patrick’s Race Car, The Jackson Five Jalopy, the 1-Adam 12 police car, Cheech and Chong’s Truck, and Speed Racer’s hotrod.

“Damn, Sportface, that’s pretty galactically cool you got Speed Racer’s spectacular car here,” said Stephen A. “I used to love watching Speed Racer as a kid. I’d like to ride that one on the next leg of our tour of the Super Bowl after Saturday’s game.”

“You got it,” Stephen A. “We’re boys.”

The two sports moguls stroll up to a tent named Supermodel Street. There Tom Brady grills his GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) meat while rubbing shoulders with his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen.

“Nobody’s eatin’ no GOAT meat today,” said Sportface. “We’re in Hog Meat Town, Tommy B.”

“Get out of my tent, Sportface,” says Johnny Foxboro. “You’ve betrayed me and for that, I’m gonna waste the Washington Synders on Saturday night.”

Unfazed by the testy conversation with Brady because his team is more important than being a loyal friend, Sportface keeps moving. 

On a street called Foreman Freeway, George Foreman fries hog meat on his George Foreman Grills. On Animal Avenue you could see Rocky’s dog Buttkiss Buttkissing to show off in front of other dogs.

On Soda Street, Forrest Gump stands around drinking Dr. Peppers. Sportface reaches into a trash can full of sodas on ice and yanks out a Fanta Grape Soda.

“Want something to drink, Stephen A.?”

Looking mopey, he says: “Not thirsty.”

“Time for you to go for another run, Forrest,” said Sportface. “Start running around FedUp Field and this Woodstock event and don’t stop until kickoff on Saturday night.”

Forrest burps a few times then trots off.

“Now let’s check out Rock and Roll Boulevard,” said Sportface. 

U2 takes the stage and cranks “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” 

“Next up will be Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones,” says Sportface. “But that’s all just a build-up to the featured attraction when the Fez rock the house down later tonight. They’re leading with ‘Pump It Up’. This performance is just a big tease before they rock the world during the half-time show at the Super Bowl.”

“You know these Fez guys, Sportface?” asked Stephen A.

“Come on, Stephen A., I know you’ve been reading my blogs. I have a complicated relationship with the Fez just like I do with you and everybody. Yeah, I know them. We have a business relationship mainly.”

Suddenly, Roger Goddess walks up.

“Sportface, this is the greatest party I’ve been to since Woodstock. I mean, it’s got everything, live music, a car show, grills, hog meat, supermodels, an animal farm. I mean, wow, did put this whole thing together yourself.”

“Sure did.”

“Sportface, I need you to organize the Super Bowl tailgate party. But I want it to be even bigger and wilder than this, like Woodstock on steroids. And there better be weed. You know how I love weed.”

“I’m in, Goddess. We can do weed.”

Stephen A. can’t believe what’s going on. Not only did Roger Goddess not even say hello to him; he acted as if he wasn’t even there. All he cared about was talking to Sportface.

“Damnit, Sportface,” said Stephen A. “You’re starting to really really bother me behemothly. You throw these far-out fantastic Woodstock parties, you get all the sexiest sports scoops, you drive around in the Wienermobile, and I can’t understand it. I mean I don’t understand it and I’m serious. Ain’t kiddin’ round.”

Sportface takes a big swig of his Fanta Grape soda. The Fez take the stage and crank out “Pump It Up.”

Sportface wonders if he’s ever been more pumped up for a football game than the one coming up on Saturday night. 

To be continued…

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Sammy Sportface
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