There they are, Sammy Sportface driving and John Madden riding shotgun in the Madden Cruiser golf cart. It’s the day after Thanksgiving and they’re covering the golf match pitting Sir Charles Barkley and Phil Mickelson versus Steph Curry and Peyton Manning in Arizona.
Near the first tee, a grill burns a forty-pound turducken, which is a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. As an extra sensation, highly seasoned sausage meat fills every little nook and cranny of the turducken’s thoracic cavity.
Madden takes the hunk of meat off the grill and starts carving it up with his bare hand.
“See here, boom, this is how you slice through a turducken with your hand. Go in deeper like this, boom, and you get to the thoracic cavity and then, boom, you take it and you split it up into I mean, I mean, it’s incredible, a whole bunch of pieces and then, boom, you start eating it with your bare hands. A turducken is like the Brett Favre of grilled meats. It’s everything you would ever want all wrapped up into one thing that, boom, is able to do everything you could ever want a grilled piece of meat to do and not do. I would have to say that of all the things I would like to do in this world, the one at the top of my list would be watching Brett Favre eat an entire turducken all by himself and I believe, I believe, I mean I believe he’s the only person who can because, boom, he’s Brett Favre.”
The four golfers sauntered over to the grill to house down some turducken before the golf match.
“This turducken is turrible,” said Sir Charles. “What’s in this, wild bears, zebras, and cheetahs? Too many meats mixed together.”
“You have to be as tough as the toughest guys, meaning I mean Brett Favre, to eat turducken,” said Madden. “Every Thanksgiving I have Brett to my house and we sit down and then, boom, we eat turducken together. My two favorite things in the world are two things, turducken, and Brett Favre.”
Wearing his Wrangler Jeans, Brett Favre shows up, grabs a hunk of turducken, and shoves it in his pie hole.
“I mean, I mean, can you believe it, boom, look who’s here,” says Madden. “I swear Brett Favre is everywhere he wants to be at all times and everywhere else too. It’s like you say boom and then, boom, Brett Favre shows up.”
Barehanded, all the men tore apart the turducken like wild tigers eating a lion they had just murdered.
“Time to gamble,” said Mickelson. “Let’s play golf, $450,000 per hole.”
Chuck grabs his clubs and goes to the “Chuck tees” which are 200 yards closer to the hole than where the other three guys will tee off from. From the Madden Golf Cart Cruiser, Madden grabs his yellow-toned telestrator and readies to draw things on the NGSCSports TV screen.
Chuck takes a swing. Whiff.
“You see here,” said Madden. “Chuck took a swing and then, boom, he missed the ball entirely, I mean he didn’t hit the ball at all, which means he whiffed. See, look, the ball’s still on the tee, meaning it didn’t go anywhere, which means it’s still on the tee. I mean I mean I mean I mean the ball’s still there, right there on the tee. He swung and then, boom, he missed the ball.”
With the telestrator, he circled the place on the TV screen where the ball still rested on the tee. “See, right there is Chuck’s ball, right there I mean I mean right there still on the tee. He swung and he missed which means he swung and, boom, he didn’t hit the ball.”
Chuck unleashed his frustration.
“My hands are all greeezy from touching all that turrible turducken,” Chuck said. “Missed the ball because my grip is too slippery. Missing my tee shots makes me feel turrible.”
Back at the Chuck tee, the TNT NBA commentator took another swing. He popped one up like an infield fly to the third baseman off to the left in a pond.
“Boom, look at Chuck’s second shot, which is the shot after his first shot,” said Madden. “He hit it and then it popped up and then, splash, doink dink and then, boom, right into the pond, meaning his ball went straight into the water, which is wet in the same way water is wet.”
On the telestrator, he drew the flight of Chuck’s ball with his yellow marker.
“It went up in the air a few feet, far over to the left and then plop and then poop, right into the pond. What a thing, you see, what a remarkable thing that now, boom, Chuck’s ball is in the pond where all the turducken are swimming around. Turducken are everywhere. They’re like Brett Favre. Go anywhere and I mean, bomb, there’s another turducken.”
Madden then drew a line from the grill from where the turducken got fried all the way over to the pond where Chuck’s ball got lost in the turducken pond.
“You see, I mean I mean, you start over here at the grill with the turduckens. Then you go right over to the pond and them, boom, Chuck’s tee shot goes into the turducken pond.”
“I’ll get Chuck’s ball,” said Favre.
“Can you believe this guy Brett Favre?” said Madden. “He can do anything and everything and anything he wants. When a guy hits his golf ball in the pond, only Brett Favre would know how to go get the ball with his bare hands. I mean, if this were a football game, Brett Favre would be carrying turduckens in for touchdowns and them, boom, he would spike the turduckens.”
Favre takes off his Wrangler Jeans and puts on his scuba diving suit. Under the water, he sees the turduckens floating around and then spots the golf ball. He brings it out along with two turduckens.
“Boom, he got the ball and two turduckens,” said Madden. “I mean I mean Brett Favre can do anything he wants to do at any time anywhere. A golf ball goes in a pond and then, boom, Brett Favre goes in and gets it. That tells you something right there. I mean, he could have pulled out 22 turduckens if he wanted to because he’s Brett Favre.”
After the round, at the 18th hole, Madden gives out the Turducken Award to Brett Favre. The award is a bronze trophy of a Turkucken full of sausage stuffed in all the animal’s innards.
“I know he didn’t play in the golf round but, I don’t care, Brett Favre can play golf all by himself while eating a whole turducken by himself and still look good in his Wrangler Jeans. He puts those pants on and then, boom, he looks great. He’s the kind of guy, you know what I mean, he’s the kind of guy who can do anything he wants and be anybody he wants to be and still be Brett Favre.”
“What a turrible, turrible turducken day,” said Barkley.
For evening entertainment in the golf clubhouse, Frank Caliendo showed up and did this: