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Sammy Sportface crisscrossed the United States today and stopped in three battleground cities to give speeches at raucous, rebellious, and random rallies. He announced his run for the Presidency of the United States.
In Ohio, he stepped down from his Peoples Express private jet and was greeted by 36,238 fans chanting:
“Four more years. Four more years. Four more years.”
They wanted Sportface to post his blogs for four more years. This was called into question yesterday when he announced he was retiring from sports blogging to spend more time pondering what to do with the rest of his life.
“We love you, Sportface.”
Sportface wasn’t reversing his decision to step away from sports blogging because he’s tired of all the backlash from his six readers.
“No more four more years of sports blogging for Sportface,” he said. “I’m done with that racket. My fans aren’t fans. They’re out to undermine my mission. It’s time to get into public service. After thinking this over for a day, I’ve decided I’m running for your next President of the United States.”
The Ohioans shout: “Sportface, Sportface, Sportface.”
Then the Ohio Players rock band step on stage and rock to this tune, “Rollercoaster —- of love – Say What?”
CNN posts a headline along the bottom of its TV channel: “Sammy Sportface to run for president.”
“Who’s Sportface?” asked CNN reporter Jim Acosta.
“Make some calls and find out more about him,” said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper.
Acosta starts digging. He finds Sportface’s blogs littering the blogosphere. One is about steroids in golf, another Tom Brady and Antonio Brown partying in Daytona Beach, another about some guy with a gigantic head, another about Bell Belchichek jumping out of an air balloon with Robert Kraft Macaroni, one about Nitwit Whit’s cold-cocking Casey McCormack, one about the biggest jerks of all time with Sportface ranking himself the biggest jerk among the biggest jerks of all time.
No common thread
Acosta sees all this. He can’t find a common thread. There’s no narrative he’s seeing to summarize who Sportface is and what he stands for.
So he makes a call to some guy named Rudyface, who figures prominently in several dozen Sportface blogs.
“Who’s this guy Sportface?” asks Acosta to Rudyface.
“A total loser,” said Sportface.
“He just announced in Ohio he’s running for president of the United States.”
“Don’t believe anything the guy says or writes,” said Rudyface. “He’s a fraud. I messed up his head when he was a kid and he’s gone off the deep end.”
“Can I quote you on that?”
“Sure.”
“I saw he wrote some blogs about not getting into the St. John’s Athletic Hall of Fame and he blamed you. What did you do to stop it?”
“I told the committee he shot 4 for 68 in the CYO 8th grade city title game against Saint Paul & Augustine and for that choke alone he had no business in the Hall of Fame.”
“Why is he running for president?”
“Because he thinks he’s on some mission. He believes in some cause that he thinks he’s been called to lead. But nobody’s following him.”
Acosta hung up and refreshed the CNN headline:
“Sportface is a ‘Fraud,’ Choked Against Saint Paul & Augustine,” Says Long-Time Nemesis
Onward to Pennsylvania
Done hammering home his key message in Ohio, Sportface climbed aboard his private jet and flew to Pennsylvania. He opened with this:
“Dr. J. was a flashy player who could do windmill dunks, but Larry Bird was a much better all-around basketball player.”
Boos erupted. “Lock up Sportface. Lock up Sportface. Lock up Sportface.”
People in the crowd heckled the sports blogging mogul.
“Get him off the stage. Who is this imposter? People in the crowd started heaving ham sandwiches lathered with mayonnaise at Sportface.
Sportface fired back.
“How many NBA titles did Dr. J. win and how many did Larry Legend win? How many 3-point shooting contests to Larry win vs. Dr. J.? You know if you look at the numbers you’ll have to come to the truth that Larry was much better than Dr. J.”
While wiping mayonnaise off his “Sportface for President” jersey, the former sports blogger turned politician turned and got back on the plane. He had said all he had to say to win the state of Pennsylvania.
As he left the state, this song, “Philadelphia Freedom,” blared throughout the rally:
Down to Daytona
Onward the jet zoomed to Daytona Beach, Florida, the site of a wicked beach party two months earlier when Tom Brady 12 announced he was ditching the Patriots and Bell Biliburp because he didn’t like them anymore.
Out of the plane, Sportface strutted and up to the microphone.
“It was right here where the legend of Sammy Sportface took flight,” he said. “We had Roger Goodness on the beach smoking weed with Ricky Williams. Antonio Brown crashed his air balloon in the water. College kids were rockin’. Gronk showed up in a thong. That was the day the momentum swung in the direction of Sportface and it hasn’t stopped blowing my way ever since. That’s why I’m announcing today that Sammy Sportface will be the next President of the United States.”
What’s your platform? asked a reporter with the Daytona Beach Bumble Bee Bulletin.
“Repetition is the great teacher,” he said. “That’s my platform. I learned this while working for Morgan Wootten at his basketball camp forty years ago. It means take 400 free throws every day and you’ll be a better foul shot shooter. My other platform is “be quick, but don’t hurry.” Wootten taught me that also. It means when you drive to the basket make a quick move but don’t go so fast that you trip and dribble the ball off your foot and look like a clod.”
“Sportface, Sportface, Sportface,” the crowd chants.
But then in the crowd appears Martin O’Malley, the former governor of Maryland. Sportface’s high school girlfriend, Hottie, had the hots for O’Malley because he was in the Gonzaga school plays forty years ago.
“Hey Sportface,” said O’Malley. “Get serious. What’s your real platform, not this old high school basketball motivational junk. You’re a joke and a fraud and your high school girlfriend liked me more than you.”
“Lock him up,” the crowd roared. “Lock him up. Lock him up.”
“There he goes again, Meddlesome Marty,” said Sportface.
“Sportface, Sportface, Sportface,” the crowd roared.
NGSCSports editor Ralph Jerry Garcia placed a call to Sammy as the sports blogging enigma taunted the beach partygoers.
“Hey Sportface,” he said. “If you become president, can we get the first exclusive interview with you to post on our website that six people view every day? We gave you your start in public life and we need to get the recognition that we launched the Sammy Sportface phenomenon.”
“You piggybacking on my fame, Jerry Grateful Dead Garcia? Where were you when I needed you? You didn’t care. Now that I’m running for president, you now want me to do you a favor?”
Then, he hangs up on Jerry.
The crowd starts to storm the stage. They grab Sportface and carry him to the Atlantic Ocean. They throw him in the water and dunk his head under the surface
Antonio Brown’s air balloon crashes in the water.
“Let’s get out of here, AB.”
Sportface climbs in and AB launched the balloon into the air. Up they go away from the mayhem political scene on the beach.
People throw sand at each other. They dunk each others’ heads underwater. Sharks arrive and start biting the legs of people as the crowd continues to chant:
They chant: “Lock him up. Lock him up. Lock him up.”
He shouts down to the minions from the balloon: “Be quick, but don’t hurry.”
Then he put on this tune by Flo Rida and screamed down at the beach party from the balloon:
“Florida can’t handle me.”
The next day he shot to the top of the national polls, becoming the frontrunner to win in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Florida – all states crucial to this year’s election.
To be continued….
Author Profile
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out
Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page
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