Saban Says Screw Everybody, Proclaims College Football is On

Saban Says Screw Everybody, Proclaims College Football is On

We knew it would eventually come down to this. Nick Saban would decide whether college football gets played this Fall. Not the NCAA, not Dr. Fauci, nor Dr. Deborah Birx.

Saban is making the final call.


Because he runs college football. He owns the sport. All of it, always. What he says goes. When he acts, people follow. He’s our modern-day Egyptian emperor, a Roman king, Lord of all the Lords.

Saban wants Alabama to play college football this season for five simple reasons:

  • he wants to win another national championship because it will beef up his coaching legacy
  • he’s irate his team got smoked by LSU in last year’s national title game and wants revenge because he is vengeful
  • he wants to collect on his $5 million a year paycheck because he likes buying boats
  • he enjoys yelling at college-aged men because it makes him feel powerful
  • he likes being in control of everything, and if college football happens, he will be in total control of it all
  • he doesn’t care what people think of him because he’s that kind of guy and always has been

“I don’t care what anybody says – and that includes you, Dr. Filchy,” he said. “We’re playing college football this year and that’s the final word on that. Don’t give me this NCAA this and that and stuff about the Command Center for Diseases or whatever it’s called. America needs college football. They need to see me yelling on the sidelines. It’s therapeutic for the American psyche to see a control freak in action, and nobody control freaks more than me.”

“But what about the coronavirus, coach?” asked Sammy Sportface on a Zoom call. “Football is a dangerous sport with all the spitting and slobbering all over each other. There will be gobs of respiratory droplets flying all over the field. Infections will be happening on every play.”

“Are you now a doctor, Sportface?” asked Saban. “I thought you were a sports blogger. What would you know about respiratory droplets?”

“I listen to Dr. Fauci every night on TV and he’s always talking about the droplets,” said Sportface. “And he’s not so keen on college football being played.”

Saban slams the phone down. He’s tired of hearing all these people who know nothing about college football tell him why there can’t be college football this Fall.

Roll Tide, he thinks to himself. Like every other year, his Tide has to roll this year. Momentum must not be messed with. There can’t be any canceled seasons. What will people in Alabama do on the weekends? 

There would be no tailgates. Alabamans live for tailgates. It’s the weekly spiritual experience. Taking away Crimson Tide football would be like talking about their souls.

He calls back Sportface.

“Hey Sportface, you need to post a blog saying that I said we’re playing college football this Fall and that’s final. No more talking and worrying about this.”

“But that would be a Satanic move, Nick,” said Sportface. “It could be dangerous. We need to slow the spread.”

Sportface offers up an idea to Satan. How about college football coaches figure out a way to play the games with the players always standing six feet apart.

“That ain’t football,” said Satan. “Football is about hitting guys hard, full contact all the way. Got any other stupid ideas?”

“How about all the players wear masks inside their helmets?” suggested Sportface. “That way when they hit each other they won’t spill respiratory droplets on each other.”

“How ‘bout you go write another sports blog, Sportface, about the pros and cons of respiratory droplets? I’ve got a football team to coach. I don’t care what anyone says, we’re playing football this season. I’m the ruler of this universe and this is my unilateral decision.”

For the second time in 10 minutes, he slams the phone down on Sportface. 

Sportface writes the headline

“Saban Rejects Idea of College Football Players Competing Six Feet Apart. Roll Tide.

To be continued…

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Sammy Sportface
Sammy Sportface
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:

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2 thoughts on “Saban Says Screw Everybody, Proclaims College Football is On

  1. Take a vote with the players and their parents against Saban. And if Saban is so hard set about playing this Fall, maybe this is the perfect time that players should start drawing salaries.

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