Inane blogs about narrow, simple-minded, and trivial sports topics are not worth a pinch of Skoal to Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl. So here is a Q & A for you.
He believes the human mind should not be wasted thinking about anything other than when the world will end and how, what his role will be in that apocalypse, how many of us will end up saved, and who will be condemned to burn in Hell for eternity.
In the gospel according to Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl, Plato makes the cut. Top shelf philosophers, the ones who figure out the world and reconstruct it into their own vision, are worthy of his time when he’s not busy crafting his own vision for how the world should be transmogrified.
Religious zealots get his attention. Martyrs and revolutionaries consume him. He knows he can guide them to their Promised Lands.
But NASCAR drivers? Basketball players? Tetherball champs? Hooey. Games for idiots and dolts. You will never convince him otherwise because no one is more certain he is more intelligent than everyone else than this West Jefferson, North Carolina mad scientist genius genius scientist mad.
Smart doesn’t describe him. We’re talking one of the gigantic masterminds since the time of Christ. He is arguably the smartest Southerner who has ever lived – and will tell you that right now if you were in his presence.
Northerners? They’ve never even been in his league. They won’t tackle the big issues, he argues, because they’re scared of the political repercussions. This dude is a walking and pontificating political repercussion.
Big questions demand the intellectual horsepower of bodacious brainiacs. Healthcare reform, climate change, social movements, disinfectants, Thomas Sowell, Bob Dylan, Peter Griffin, worldwide rebellions – these are material things worthy of this man’s time.
Cognizant of this man’s importance to the ultimate destiny of this tumultuous world, Sammy Sportface sat down this morning for a Q and A with this behemoth bloke. Sportface guzzled Fanta Grape Soda and Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl had his cup of Joe straight-up black. Tough guys do coffee bare-boned.
Sportface: So how we come out of this health crisis?
Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl: Give me a few days and I’ll draft a global plan that will solve all of this. I’m the one with the 12 master’s degrees in epidemiology, genetics, and viruses from Duke, University of North Carolina, Wake Forest, and Vanderbilt.
Sportface: Can you give us a glimpse into what that draft will conclude?
Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl: No. I need to make a big PR splash when I roll this out. Sammy Sportface will be posting it on his Baby Boomer Brotherhood Facebook page. Need to maximize my press coverage. It’s key the story gets picked up by the Winston-Salem Journal.
Sportface: What will be the big changes to the economy?
Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl: Continent-to-continent hysteria. Day and night fistfights in the streets. Businesses will stop worrying about serving customers and focus much more of their time fighting with people with their bare hands over land, values, principles, and more.
The other sea change I foresee is Sportface receding into the background. While the sports world was shut down, there was nothing else to read so people read Sportface. Not me, but simple-minded, uneducated, unerudite sports fans. But once sports come back, Sportface will go back to being a marginalized, obscure, and low-rent has-been. Man, that dude is stupid.
Sportface: What about all the blogs Sportface writes about his D.C. boys carousing around in high school?
Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl: The collective IQs of 10 of Sportface’s nitwit DC high school losers would not amount to half of mine. No wonder Sportface ended up being Sportface. He grew up with a pack of imbeciles.
Sportface: What about social distancing? How do you think that is affecting people psychologically and emotionally?
Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl: People who need interpersonal relationships are weak. I don’t need anyone. I hope social distancing becomes permanent globally and they extend the distance from six feet to one hundred and six feet.
I would be perfectly content – in fact, aroused – if I became the only person left on the Earth. The rest of civilization is roadkill as far as I’m concerned.
Sportface: Why do you have eight names?
Carl Bruce Sonny Massey Massey Sonny Bruce Carl: Because Sportface is an idiot.