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Tom Brady Bankrolls The League Leveraging “TB” Brand
The NFL has announced it will sponsor full contact tetherball games during half-time of all the league’s games this season.
These games will feature players from the newly formed Full Contact Tetherball League (FCTBL). The league’s poster boy is Rob Gronkowski, who yesterday reunited with his quarterback, Tom Brady, by signing with the Tampa Bay Dragons.
The games will be played on a big stage like the ones created for the Super Bowl halftime shows. The 48 players will smack the ball around. Once someone catches the ball, all the other players will spear and physically assault that player, who will emulate a running back in football but get hit much harder and often and by a lot more guys.
There will be no pads nor helmets. No penalties will be called. Horse collars will be legal, as well as hits below the belts and squarely on the knees.
“This sport will be more vicious than regular football and I’m totally stoked to start popping people,” said Gronk. “We will go full speed and be allowed to ram into each other in more reckless, entertaining, and mindless ways than the NFL allows. It will be more dangerous and destructive than smash up derby car racing and mixed martial arts kickboxing. Guys can also crush each other regardless of who has the ball.”
The players will include some of the largest guys who have ever played in the NFL such as William “The Refrigerator” Perry. It will also feature professional wrestling super-sized heroes such as Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, and Ric Flair.
The mascot and cheerleader for these matches will be Napoleon Dynamite, who starred in a movie in which he played tetherball with his girlfriend.
“I’m glad to see the tetherball craze I started in that movie being elevated to a much higher level of prominence and intensity,” said Dynamite. “It will be great to see this sport played with full contact and no pads so the guys can pulverize each other without any inhibitions. The fans are going to love watching this wild ass rough-housing with no restrictions on how hard they can hit, or where, or whom, or how.”
The FCTBL will also hold league games during the week around the United States in high school gyms and YMCAs.
The league is being bankrolled by Tom Brady, who has been promoting his “TB” initials on all sorts of products including the T-Belch Burger to dishonor his former coach, Bill Belichick. Brady and the NFL wanted a current NFL player to be the face of the FCTBL, and Gronk was the obvious choice.
All the FCTBL players will wear emerald green coaching shorts with a Times Roman TB on the right buttocks cheek.
“The FCTBL has the potential to become much more popular with the fans than NFL games,” said TB. “As I move towards retirement, my interest is in promoting myself more than ever. A sports league that doesn’t have rules and allows full-on collisions non-stop provides compelling and unpredictable theater.
“I can see this league becoming bigger than the NFL within a few years,” he added. “When that happens, I’m going to make a huge return on my investment. Screw the NFL. Full contact tetherball is the next big American sports craze.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is an avid supporter of this league being showcased during NFL games.
“The NFL needs something to excite the fans because our current product is boring,” he said. “In fact, I will be investing serious cash in this tetherball league because I believe it’s got more upside than the NFL. Bring on the full contact and ditch all the rules. That’s what America needs.”
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