Ever since Tom Brady saw the box office smash “Shrek,” he has been infatuated with the female dragon character who fell in love with the Eddie Murphy-talking donkey.
And that is why he has unleashed the demand that his new team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, be switched to the Tampa Bay Dragons.
“I’m the new sheriff in town and I am calling the shots now that I’m away from Beli-upchuck and the Pansy Patriots,” said Brady. “Either this team changes its name to the Dragons, or I’m holding out of training camp. Besides, there are more dragons on Tampa Bay than buccaneers. We need to team name that makes more sense.”
All of this comes as no surprise. Sammy Sportface has been reporting for weeks that Brady got so obsessed with the dragon that he relocated to Seattle – away from supermodel Gisele Bundchen — to play for the XFL’s Seattle Dragons.
Brady got pulled away from that deal via Antonio Brown’s air balloon when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers offered him $98 million a year. The consummation of that marriage sparked a debaucherous and delusional party on Daytona Beach that still hasn’t technically ended.
Meanwhile, the eight-team, upstart XFL shuttered operations yesterday.
From his beach towel in Daytona, Brady texted the Buccaneers owner, Malcolm Glazer: “Either you change the name of the Bucs to the Dragons or I’m holding out for more money. And that would really torque off your fan base.”
“Why the Dragons, Tom?”
“Because I fell in love with the female dragon in the movie Shrek.”
“Look, I can’t just go change the name like this on a whim. We’ve got brand equity built up in the Buccaneer name?”
“The Bucs have no equity built up in anything of value. The only way the brand will be worth something is when I join your team. And when I do the team name better be the Dragons.”
Brady also demanded that the team swap out its abominable red and brown uniforms for the orange, blue and emerald city green ones that the Seattle Dragons of the XFL wore.
“Love that emerald city color,” said Brady. “Reminds of ‘The Lollipop Kids’ in ‘The Wizard of Oz.’”
To be continued…
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