Gunman Presses Pistol Against Sportface’s Head
On Halloween night in 1976, a dozen coed private school Trick or Treaters including Sammy Sportface cross a residential street.
Two 30-year-old men approach them. One pulls out a gun, wrestles Sportface to the middle of the road, forces him to lie flat on his back, and presses a black pistol to his head.
Rudyface scurries away into nearby bushes with Cathy and Stacey. This is the dream scenario Rudyface had been fantasizing about throughout his childhood.
You see, Sportface swept up all the most valuable player awards in CYO football, basketball, and baseball from third through seventh grade. Rudyface was on all those teams and never could break through and get even one MVP. Not with Sportface on the team.
If they blow Sportface’s brains up, I will get more MVP awards, thought Rudyface. I’ve always hated Sportface and been jealous of his natural talent and ruggedly handsome looks.
Rudyface gets infuriated as he recalls all his disappointments and embarrassments at having never been the MVP of any sports team he played on. He brings back to his mind all those years when he was not good enough to be considered the best on his team – not once. He had come to terms with the truth that he would never the MVP of any team that Sportface was on.
As Sportface lay motionless on the brink of being assassinated, Rudyface fantasizes about how all the seventh-grade girls, including the two in the bushes with him. With Sportface dead, Rudyface would get all the grade school chicks to finally pay more attention to him, to appreciate his talents and charisma and even become enchanted with his unbelievable obnoxiousness.
All my life I’ve been waiting for this moment, thought Rudyface. Isn’t this beautiful for me? Sportface will get shot in the head. I’ll win the MVPs. And all the girls will come rushing after me finally.
“Shoot his sorry ass already,” yelled Rudyface. “Fire that bullet into his skull and end it all right now. I need him gone. Sportface is nothing but a big pain in my big fat ass.”
The gunman gazes over into the bushes. Rudfyface has already tried to start smooching both girls in the bushes. But they push him away saying their hearts were still with Sportface.
The gunman sprints towards the bushes. Terrified, Rudyface scampers into the woods. The cowardly kid runs into his house on Ontario Circle. The gunman bangs on the door.
“Hey, Mel (Rudyface’s father). I’m here to shoot your punk kid.”
“Sweet. I hate that kid. He’s got a big mouth.”
Rudy had gone upstairs in the bedroom of his older brother, Spread Fingers. That’s his name because every day he spreads wide all the fingers on Rudyface’s hand until he screams in agony, then he spreads them further.
The gunman opens the bedroom door. Rudyface has a wedgie and is hanging on the closet room door hook. Spread Fingers lodged him there.
“Shoot his ass,” said Spread Fingers.
“Wait,” cries Rudyface. “Don’t do it. I’m a loser and a big fat baby who just has a huge mouth that I can’t control. I need to live longer. I need to mess with Sportface’s mind for the next 44 years and get him to launch a blog that nobody reads and push him to write stuff that gets him banned from Facebook and sued by people. I have so much more psychological damage to do to him.”
“Everyone I’ve spoken with says you’re the biggest punk I in the history of the universe including Sportface’s older brother,” the gunman said. “Your old man told me the story about you and that curly-haired woman in his house after the wedding. How dare you disrespect your old man like that.”
He pulls the trigger. The bullet enters the forehead in the slit area where Kenny Cassidy split open Rudyface’s head in a pick-up hoops game in Kenny’s driveway in sixth grade.
Rudyface wails. He whimpers as he utters his last words: “Buddha Pis, I thought I had Sportface this time. You were supposed to shoot him. He beat me again. That’s the story of my life – losing to Sportface. I’ll never beat him at anything.”
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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