Stephen A. has been spouting off that Cam Newton will play quarterback next season for the Los Angeles Chargers. But Sammy Sportface believes otherwise. Sportface today breaks the news that Newton will replace Tom Brady as the quarterback of New England Patriots.
“Nobody outworks me,” said Stephen A. “I get radio numbers and TV numbers. I know incredibly more than anybody about sports and that’s the bottom line. No way some lightweight named Sportface has the inside scoop about where Cam Newton is going.”
He calls Newton.
“You lie to me, bro? You told me you were headed to the Chargers. What’s this about the Patriots?”
“Sportface and I hang out together in our hometown at Bojangles,” said Newton. “We’re boys. He’s the guy I go to now for big inside sports scoops. Sportface is in the know, bro.”
“You actually believe Sportface?” asked Stephen A. “I’m incredulous and this is incredibly incredulous. Who is this corny cat? Nobody knows who he is. Everybody knows who Stephen A. is, truly and indisputably. I’m mad at everybody. I’m not messing around.”
He calls Robert Kraft.
“What’s this about Cam signing with the Pats? Answer the question. ANSWER THE QUESTION.”
“I can’t confirm or deny, Stephen A,” said Kraft. “But I can tell you I have bonded with Sportface over the past few weeks. He’s been writing about our drive across the country to get Brady, picking up Ricky Williams, partying in the car, flying around in air balloons with Antonio Brown.”
“I’ve read all about that trip of a trip on Sammy Sportface,” said Stephen A. “That’s fictionalized fiction of ridiculous proportionality. You actually believe Slimeface Sportface? I’m agonizingly angry at everybody and anybody totally and comprehensively.”
“The truth is, Stephen A., that the sports world is now turning to Sportface for the most exclusive and important sports stories. Your empire is being threatened. Sportface makes the news, immerses himself in the stories, and reports it all as it happens. He was on that the ride with us across the country. He rode on the air balloons and watched Belichick and I jump out because we lost Brady.
“He set up his Sammy Sportface Syndication Network on the Daytona Beach boardwalk next to a greasy fries place to report on the beach party celebrating Brady’s move to Tampa. He gets involved in the stories. He gets to know us and learns what makes us tick, and doesn’t let anyone know when we smoke weed with Ricky Williams. He’s trustworthy. He’s revolutionizing sports journalism. You’ve become old news in the sports news world, Stephen A.”
“You mean to tell me you believe his reporting over mine, the great Stephen A., the Muhammad Ali of sports broadcasting, the greatest of all time? Do you actually and truly think some nobody named Sammy Sportface has credibility and sustainability and reliability? I’m mad at everybody truly.
“This can’t be happening. Not to Stephen A. Stephen A. is tyrannically tenacious and bodaciously ambitious and the sports world is dreadfully dead. And now some fictionally fictitious Sportface makes up a bunch of fake stories of fantastical magnitude and you guys believe this incredibly stupendous stupidity?”
“We’ve entered the new abnormal,” said Kraft. “The sports world will never be the same.”
“So is Cam gonna be your quarterback?”
“All I will say is Sportface knows his stuff. You’re in tremendous trouble, Stephen A.”
To be continued…
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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