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Stephen A is not in the mood to play around with anybody. His sports world has evaporated. He’s at home, having a horrendously horrendous day, beside himself because he doesn’t know what to do.
“I’m pissed off,” he said. “I am suffering. What am I supposed to do with myself? All I know how to do is yell about sports while other people are talking and wail about the Knicks. All I care about are yelling about sports and listening to myself yell. All I wanna do is get irate about sports and rant about my nothingly New York Knicks.”
His phone rings.
“Stephen A., it’s Kyrie Irving.”
“Answer my question, damnit.”
“What question?”
“You and K are crazier than I am. KD can’t stop sending out insane Tweets. You called yourself a basketball genius but ruin every team and coach you play with.”
“What’s your question?”
“Why are you and KD insane? Please, please, PU -LEASE answer my question right now would you PU-LEASE?”
“KD and I want to win the NBA title. We need more players than the other scrubs on our team.”
“Scrubs? Scrubs? You wanna talks about scrubs? That’s been my Knicks for the past forty years. This is the worst day I’ve had in a long time. My Knicks are terrible. The sports world is dead. This whole pandemic situation makes me want to yell even louder but nobody’s listening and that really infuriates me. I need millions of people to hear me yelling over other people talking.”
“What are you doing to kill time?”
“I can’t figure out what to do. All I know or care about are sports. I spend time yelling at people in my house, my wife, my kids. I have to keep yelling and going crazy and being ridiculous. It’s a skill I’ve honed. I just yell and scream and get mad at everybody. Because I was bored, today I called my agent and told him ESPN needs to double my contract even though I already make more money than any of those ESPN on-air scrubs.
“I’m the king of the network now and they need to pay me what I’m worth. You know it. I know it. Max Kellerman knows. And let me tell you definitively that that dude absolutely does not know much certainly. Without me, ESPN is NGSCSports or some other absurdly terrible organization. I’m the rainmaker of the entire business. Pay me what I’m worth, ESPN suits. Pay me now. Pay me everything you’ve got or you’re guilty of blasphemy. Did you hear me? I said pay me. I’m in no mood for messing around. Don’t test me. I’ll leave the network and build my own supremely superior sports empire with supreme greatness.”
Kyrie hangs up. Another call comes in for Stephen A.
“Why the hell did you go to the Nets and not my beloved Knicks?” asked Stephen A. “Why, KD, did you do this to me? I was going to pay you my own salary to play for my team. You killed me. It was inexcusable what you did. It was blasphemy. I thought you would listen to your boy Stephen A. Why? Why? Why, KD, did you do something so indisputably destructible to the city of New York?”
“The Knicks suck,” said KD. “So I went with the Nets.”
“I know they suck. That’s so ridiculously obvious and indisputably indisputable. But I am suffering, KD. You made a tragic tragic decision. I am not playing around. Plain and simple. Which direction would you like me to go in? I can’t yell about sports because there are no sports. I can’t be excited about my Knicks because they didn’t get you, KD.
“Answer my question, KD. Answer my question. My question. Not your question, Stephen A.’s question. Come back to me tomorrow when you have the answer. And you better have your answer ready and be ready to tell it in a readiness way. I don’t wanna talk to anybody. I only want to yell at everybody. This staying at home and not yelling about sports is undeniably the most undeniable travesty in the superbly successful historicalness of Stephen A.”
To be continued…
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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