Bonus

Five Things You Should Do to Track Sports During Pandemic

By Sammy Sportface

Posted on March 18, 2020

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So you’re bored. You have no idea what to do today. No games are on. You hate reading books. You need a sports fix.

But how can do to stay on top of sports while there are no sports?

Take these five actions now. They are the only hope you have for weeks and months and probably years.

Step One: Find Sammy Sportface

Sammy Sportface — The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Website

Wherever you are, whatever social media you are on, whichever device you’re using, regardless of time zone, religion, or where you went to high school, find Sammy Sportface.

This guy doesn’t live in the real sports world. When there are no sports, it’s just another day in paradise for him. Sporting events that aren’t happening are immaterial to Sportface. He is all about sports that don’t exist, conversations that never take place, outcomes that never materialized.

In Sportface Land, sports smack of surrealism sometimes. They’re a state of mind, a vague and mysterious place, a concoction of strange and semi-true sports stories and odd innuendos. Just ride the train.

Step Two: Go to Google. 

Type in “Sammy Sportface.” 

Read the tens of millions of blogs this cat has written. Start with any of them and read in whatever sequence you want. But be sure to read them all. It’s the only way you’ll gain insight into the story he has been telling the world but nobody has been reading.

All this reading will take you dozens of hours. But what else do you have to do?

Step Three: Go to YouTube.

 Watch every Larry Bird video. There are a lot. 

Step Four: Unsubscribe to all other sports blogs besides Sammy Sportface. 

Shut them all down. Tell them you no longer need them because there are no sports in the world and you only need Sammy Sportface because he’s not in the real world. You need unreal sports content. He’s the only guy for that. It’s his unique selling point, logo, and sweet spot.

And cancel your subscription to ESPN. They’re done. They’re going to be showing you evergreen sports documentaries 24-7 for the next month.

You don’t need to wallow in the past. You need to focus on what’s happening now and what the future holds for you. Only Sportface can deliver you that calming and concise content in this time of crisis.

Sportface is the only one who can lift you out of your sports funk, take you into the netherworlds of sports, and ignite your coconuts.

Step Five: Join the Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood. 

Sammy Sportface — The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog — Facebook Page

If you don’t do that, you won’t get the full experience that Sportface offers. This is a package deal, a movement afloat, a moment in time when all else falls by the wayside and Sammy Sportface takes you to your happy place, the promised land, nowhere definable but somehow enjoyable.

With the world contemplating an existential threat, you have one option to stay abreast of sports. You have one go-to guy who can suspend your disbelief and share spectacular, strange, and sordid stories.

You only have one lifeline left: Sammy Sportface.