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For the past several weeks I have been guzzling gallons of pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts because the drink makes me think of Fall and pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving, and gets my calorie count blitzing at the speed of ChatGPT.
Twice a day at this time every year for the past 20, I over-indulge in this most delicious beverage – second only to Fanta Grape Soda and Stewart’s Root Beer which are tied for first.
But my pumpkin spice latte buzz has fizzled like a fake birthday candle. At a recent social event I was raving about this beverage and a woman told me she couldn’t stand it because pumpkin is squash and she detests squash.
I had not realized pumpkin is a squash and this dampened my mood, brought me down, and lowered my serotonin levels. I despise squash also so the next time I got the pumpkin spice latte super grande I couldn’t stop thinking I was drinking the inside of a pumpkin, that gooey disgusting stuff which is the color of some peoples’ upchucks especially when they have jaundice or hepatitis or something.
I realized I was drinking a vegetable and had never liked any vegetables except Thrashers and McDonald’s french fries. So the whole experience turned into a gross mind test to see if I had the innards to drink the innards of a pumpkin.
Couldn’t do it. Have you ever seen the inside of a piece of squash? Has anyone looked at it and said “Man, this looks delicious?”
Of course, no one has. Squash looks like crab meat mustard juice.
So I’ve moved on from drinking squash. Today I ordered a Caramel Macchiato with extra caramel. The caramel oozes out the top, along the sides, and the bottom – or I give it back and say lather that thing up with more caramel than they ever have in the history of Starbucks.
The caramel gets my fingers sticky along with the keys on my laptop and all over my desk. The caffeine sends me into the cirrus clouds on a hang glider.
I feel high on life once again.
I go home, take a long shower, let the water run on the back of my neck, rinse my underarms, scrub out my belly button, and away we go to jam to some Smashing Pumpkins.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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