Sportface Sprawls Across Starbucks, Sparks Local Brouhaha

People here at Starbucks seem to be giving me more stares and glances of disgust lately. Could it be that I have set up two laptops on a table and my power cords stretch across a series of seats where patrons would like to sit but can’t? Could it be I have piles of my own food trash – including a 20-pack of sugarless gum already chewed – all around me when I could easily just collect it and throw the gobs in the trash if I would take just four seconds to do so?

And what about all the papers scattered to my left and right and all disheveled and whatnot with scribbled notes from my daily brainstorming call with Idea Man? What do I think this place is, my home office or something? Who do I think I am taking over half the store with all things related to me? No one gave me license to set up camp every day in Starbucks as if I bought this franchise and can do whatever I want here. I behave as if it’s my personal campground.

You would think the least I could do would be to buy something from Starbucks for all the time I’m spending using their electricity and lavatories and hogging all the tables and chairs and creating eye pollution. All this can’t be good for business nor for me.

I tried to ask for a large cup of ice water the other day and they said “our new policy, sir, is you have to buy something to get a cup of water.”

“OK I’ll take the oatmeal with nuts but no brown sugar because I want to get svelte,” I say. “Dieting like crazy because ballooned over 300 LBs guzzling Starbucks Mocha Schokas for too long for too many consecutive days. It got way out of hand.”

She gives me the water and oatmeal, the latter of which I toss out immediately because I don’t want to eat food because that makes me gain weight and I’m suspicious my readers are abandoning me because they think I’m rotund. This morning, in fact, I considered writing a blog about Sammy Sportface becoming svelte but figured no one would bite assuming it was just more misleading Sportface clickbait.