ChatGPT Writes Better Sammy Sportface Blogs Than The Real Sammy Sportface

Today I typed into the ChatGPT a number of inquiries: “Who is Sammy Sportface?” “Write me a 2,000-word blog in the voice of Sportface.” “Is Sportface as influential as he thinks he is?”

I wanted to know if the tool could search the Internet for the 29876 blogs Sportface has written and spit back at my answers in under five seconds. Of course, it did because it’s smarter than anything in the history of the world.

It gave me an intriguing summary of my growing up years but somehow didn’t figure out I was a great athlete despite my posting at least 92983434093408 blogs about that.

“Sammy wasn’t always known as Sportface. In fact, it all started when he was a kid. Picture a chubby little boy with oversized glasses and a penchant for wearing mismatched socks. His athletic endeavors often resembled an elaborate dance routine – awkward, unpredictable, and entirely unintentional. When he tried out for the soccer team, he accidentally scored a goal… for the opposing side. From that day on, his friends dubbed him “Sportface” – a title he wore like a badge of honor, despite its somewhat mocking undertones.”

This is what’s known as a hallucination. The tool gives confident-sounding answers that are flat wrong. Not as a kid nor now have I ever worn oversized glasses, but give props to Chat that I have been rocking mismatching socks my entire life.

Not sure how Chat knew that because I haven’t done a blog about my socks though I probably will soon because it’s a good topic. I am chubby now, but wasn’t as a kid, so another hallucination. The AI sensed chubbiness but couldn’t put its finger on my abdomen at the right stage of my life.

Chat also clearly deduces from Sportface’s blogs that he’s always making references to eating junk food.

“He’d turn a friendly game of touch football into a high-stakes rivalry, complete with dramatic play-by-play descriptions. He’s got the ball! He’s running! Will he score? No, he’s just running to get a hot dog. Classic Sportface!”

“Did you see the game? I wore my lucky underpants inside out and ate two bags of nachos right before kickoff!”

The underpants reference probably comes from the blogs I wrote about everyone in Washington DC going commando – underwear-less – in solidarity with the Washington Salamanders. Or the time I wrote about something and used a picture of an old out of shape guy in classic white undies standing in the woods somewhere.

Turning to food, Sportface writes about drinking Fanta Grape Soda and Starbucks Mocha Smokas constantly which explains this Chat paragraph.

“Hey there, sports fans! It’s your boy Sammy Sportface here, ready to dive into the exhilarating world of athletics. Grab your favorite drink, put on your game face, and let’s get into why sports are so much more than just a game.”

Absurd references

Chat understands absurd references and clearly picked up on Sportface throwing those out all the time to get reactions from readers wanting them to ask themselves: “Why did he write that?”

Here’s a Chat excerpt again impersonating the writing voice of Sammy Sportface.

“Let’s start with the overconfident coach. You know the type. He struts around the sidelines like he’s auditioning for a role in a sequel to ‘The Godfather.’

This reference to the sequel to the Godfather is vintage Sportface. Doesn’t make any sense in context. It’s just thrown down on the page like a bag of tomatoes onto a kitchen counter.

Chat also spit this back in my face:

“Alright, team! We’re going to run the ‘Double Reverse, Fake the Fake, Pass the Ball to the Mascot’ play!”

I’m suspicious here that Chat is messing with my mind. Don’t recall ever writing about mascots. It’s a ridiculous reference that shows me why people don’t like Sammy Sportface. He does things for no reason. He’s purposely illogical. No need for that.

Chat touches on Sportface’s illogical streak.

“Welcome, sports fans, to the wild world of sports where logic takes a backseat and absurdity drives the bus! I’m Sammy Sportface, your tour guide on this rollercoaster of athletic antics. Buckle up because we’re about to explore the hilarious side of the sports universe, where every game has its quirks, every athlete has their quirks, and every fan has their questionable choices of team jerseys.”

This team jersey tells me Chat has read the blogs Sportface has written, inspired by Mac, about team uniforms probably the one about the Cal football helmets looking cool. Wonder how much Chat knows about Mac and if Mac still thinks Chat is a glorified search engine instead of what it actually is – the most powerful technology of all time.

Exaggerations

Sammy Sportface makes up numbers all the time that are incorrect and deliberately used to sound far too outlandish to be taken seriously. Chat picked up on that also.

“Did you see that shot? I’m telling you, I’m the best player on the planet!”

Self-indulgent exaggeration – a Sportface go-to stunt.

“Meanwhile, the scoreboard tells a different story. Spoiler alert: It’s 100-0, and you’re still in the locker room wondering how you got there.”

The score ain’t no 100 to nothing. Never is. Just a Sportface attention grabber.

Corny Life Lessons

The most embarrassing writing Chat did about Sportface was a serious attempt at writing something deep about the link between sports and life lessons. Sportface takes his life lesson blogs seriously and it seems that Chat’s write-up mocks that attempt to get deep and share worldly thoughts about life’s truisms and harsh realities.

“Sports are a glorious mix of talent, blunders, and unforgettable moments. Whether you’re a coach with over-the-top strategies, a fan with wild superstitions, or an athlete who thinks they can single-handedly win the game, one thing’s for sure: sports bring us all together in laughter and joy.

Remember, whether you’re winning or losing, as long as you’re laughing, you’re doing it right. Now, go out there and make some memories.”

The biggest surprise in this research endeavor is Chat didn’t spit back anything in the articles about Caitlin Clark, The Joker, and Wake Forest football. Sportface has posted 4543, 3098, and 9876 blogs on these topics, respectively.

Can’t fathom how Chat couldn’t have plucked any of these thousands of references and inserted them in the blogs it sent me impersonating Sportface-crafted sentences. Maybe it decided everyone had read enough about those topics and didn’t need another one, which shows Chat has solid social intelligence skills despite being a serial hallucination machine.

Whatever.

This morning I didn’t know Chat knew who I was. Now I know this brainiac knows exactly what Sportface is all about. I feel relevant and fully alive to be on the digital map, but also feel weird that I can ask a technology to write 2,000 words written by a sports blogger I created and it can do it in a way that shows me what it’s like to receive the thousands of blogs I send to my friends.

It’s not all that fun of an experience. The writing sounds stupid.

I don’t feel uplifted.

Only slightly amused and psychologically violated.