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So you wouldn’t have to, and because football is important for self-actualization and overall serenity, I scoured the World Wide Web in pell-mell pursuit of photos of the helmets the Wake Forest football opponents will be wearing this season.
I thought it was important to let you know well ahead of time so you can prepare yourselves for the helmets you’re going to see, and plan on which ones to buy and wear throughout the Fall.
Some of the helmets were hard to look at such as the baby blue UNC one because it gave me haunting feelings of the game in Chapel Hill two years ago when we were on our way to the national championship but blew a 21-point lead in the fourth quarter. If when we die we see baby blue, we’ll know we didn’t get into Heaven. Baby blue is the same hue as reddish-black forest dirty brown puke green as far as my retina can tell.
So I’m not going to even mention this helmet again. Nor will I elaborate much about the NC State and Duke football helmets because they’re copycat-looking with the black wolf face and blue devil grill, sort of Wolfman Jackish. I don’t care about their helmets, to be honest, and it’s mostly because I don’t like them on any level and it’s mostly because both teams destroyed my mood last Fall when they beat us in a season we all need to forget and stop unearthing in places like this.
The UConn helmet with the simple C and blue and white color isn’t inspiring. Worse is one version that looks like another knockoff of the Duke and NC State helmets, a big Huskie face getting all ugly. What’s to like? Mean outdoor maniac animals don’t make me feel warm in my colon.
The Lousiana Rajun Cajun helmet just has “Rajun Cajun” as the logo which doesn’t seem too surprising and therefore didn’t make my top list. Seems too predictable. Designers didn’t listen to Apple’s mission to “think differently.”
The UVA helmet has a V on it with some swords which I guess is what cavaliers used back some time ago but I don’t really think we need to justify why this university’s helmet didn’t rise to the higher echelon. Maybe it’s got a Thomas Jefferson tie-in; he had red hair by the way.
Now let’s get to the helmets you really need to probe and study and do yoga about. I’ll count them down from five – meaning the fifth coolest looking – to number one – meaning so cool all of us should go online and buy the helmet right now and wear it tomorrow morning and the next day and to the game when Wake plays that university.
Number 5: “The U” sports a sweet “U” on its helmet and what makes it alluring is one part of the U is orange and the other forest green – all with a nice classy white background. It would be a boring white helmet like Penn State’s but the U logo with the beachy South Florida floral colors make it the kind of helmet I would like to sleep in a few nights a week. The colors make me think of the Dolphin Hotel in Disneyland, pastel colors in sunny places as opposed to dark like baby blue.
Four: The Stanford helmet is a little boring – all-white background, but the extra thick red “S” grabs your heart. Making it stand out is a puzzling Charlie Brown-like white Christmas tree embedded within the S. The mascot is the Cardinal so maybe the tree means the bird likes to stand on the limbs of the tree while watching Charlie Brown’s Christmas but that seems off because Christmas is the only day of the year. Have a theory?
Three: You have to be honest in assessing the Clemson helmet despite the fact that they have won 98 of the last 100 football games in Wake Forest dating back to the 1700s. The pumpkin orange helmet – as shiny as a bald man’s head under a Halloween light – with the puffy tiger paw logo is cute, a nice blend of fun and ferociousness. Wake’s gonna tame those tiger paws in Winston-Salem this Fall. You watch.
Two: I didn’t expect to like the North Carolina A&T helmet – not sure why — but this goes to show you can’t judge a helmet by the name of the school. I was pleasantly energized by the navy blue and gold lid with the A and T entangled within each other like a bridge you drive over on your way to the beach for a few weeks of chilling. What got me was the full-on entanglement, as if the A and T were bonded for life which may very well be the case.
One: This contest wasn’t close when it came to the coolest-looking helmet. Look at the photo of the Cal helmet with the navy blue and gold script with the curvy line under the script. When Wake plays this team and they run on the field in these helmets, I may have to go to get a hamburger and fries I’ll be so excited and draw the helmet on a ketchup-soaked napkin during the second half. I know I told you the coolest helmet in the world is the Ole Miss one – another Wake opponent this Fall – but that was a previous blog and we need to move on and be accepting when I change my mind as I’m sure you have.
Slide your helmets on. Button the chip straps. Wear them to work. Wear them to bed. Wear them to the barber shop. If anyone questions you, tell them it’s football season and the live hitting is about to start.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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