
The Prime Minister of France today announced that American basketball and pop culture superstar Caitlin Clark will carry the Paris Olympics torch into the stadium for the opening ceremonies and light the torch.
“Can you believe how stupid those Americans are leaving Caitlin off the Olympic basketball team?” he said. “The French can be accused of many bad things, but we’re not idiots. We’re going to capitalize on Caitlin’s international fame, draw billions more eyeballs to watch the opening ceremonies, pump up the French economy, and give the world what it wants most: Caitlin Clark.”
Clark, who was not chosen to play for the U.S. women’s Olympic basketball team – igniting an international inferno of controversy still raging on all seven continents — will enter the stadium on opening night with the Olympic torch while dribbling her basketball and wearing a red, white, and blue basketball uniform with USA letters. She’ll run up a ladder to the top of the stadium and light the cauldron signifying the start of the Games. She’ll then launch her basketball and shoot a logo three across the stadium into the U.S. Open Golf Trophy being flaunted by last week’s winner, Bryson DeChamboz, who was seen earlier this week in Nashville, Tennessee walking the streets holding his prized trophy.
At this point, the U.S. Olympic team will parade through the tunnel in their dapper red, white, and blue outfits minus the U.S. women’s basketball team. None of that team’s players and coaches joined the celebration in protest that Caitlin Clark was chosen to light the torch and not one of the less globally recognizable players on their team.
“Caitlin Clark is not on our team and she should not be involved with the Opening Ceremonies – our goal was to keep her out,” said the coach, Ursula Unhappy. “One of our basketball players who earned a spot on the team would have been a better choice even though we admit none of them are as well-liked as Caitlin.”
After Caitlin drains her across-the-stadium shot, up in the skybox seated beside the Prime Minister, Sammy Sportface will announce to the world: “Caitlin Clark, Miss America, the world’s princess, hits another logo three. Sure wish she was on the American Olympic team and so does everyone else here tonight. We gave the world what we know it wanted here on the grandest of sports stages. Caitlin lights the torch as a symbol of how she illuminates our lives like no other athlete in human history. She embodies the three values of Olympism: excellence, respect, and friendship. Thank you for sharing all you are with us tonight, Caitlin. And now – let these Olympic Games begin.”
Roars from the crowd erupt. Fireworks shoot into the night sky. Sportface chest pumps the Prime Minister.
The world comes together in a global moment of celebration, serenity, and warmth.
And the U.S. women’s basketball team remains back at the Olympic Village in their rooms watching all this, seething.
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