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You don’t need to feel jilted that you won’t be able to watch Joey Chestnut cram 65 hot dogs down his throat in 10 minutes this July 4thbecause, in a disturbing turn of events, he’s being banned from the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating disgust-fest this summer.
None of that matters because Chestnut has been invited to a crab eating contest at Brad’s Great Gatsby compound on the Chesapeake Bay. Chestnut, the world’s best eater, will compete against Nikola Jokic, Charles Barkley, Caitlin Clark, and Sammy Sportface – all global celebrities. As the warm up event, Scott Lawrence will chug 10 bottles of beer n three minutes.
Contestants, all committed to participate, will see how many crab cakes lathered with tartar sauce they can eat in 10 minutes.
“I’m psyched for this event – anything to get me away from the WNBA imbroglio,” said Caitlin Clark. “And I love competing against men in eating just like I did in basketball while growing up. I just wish Sammy Sportface wouldn’t show up. He’s writing way too much about me lately and it’s really creepy.”
The announcer for the event will be George Shea who usually announces the Nathan’s Dog Eating Contest but announced he will boycott the event until Chestnut is allowed to be reinstated. This morning as the sun sparkled on the bay, Shea was found in Brad’s pool, in his signature black top hat, rehearsing how he plans to introduce Sportface:
“A man misunderstood far beyond the borders of this great nation. A guy who blogs far too much and far too often about things we all care about but not very much, and then texts everyone he knows to let them know about it, a true menace. The man who once claimed he’s a better athlete than Katie Ledecky which is monumentally false. A colossally absurd character like me and Chestnut. A man who knows no other way to be than outlandish which I can relate to. I give you now, here by the pool, all 340 million Americans, the past his prime until the end of time………
SAAAAMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY SPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOORRRTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFAAAAAACCCCCE.”
After the event all contestants, who are there now to listen to Shea’s intro rehearsals, will go for a swim in Brad’s pool. Sportface and Barkley compete in a game of pool hoop horse.
“Everything about Sportface is turrible,” said Barkley stripping down to his swimming trunks with red Valentine’s Day hearts. “I’ll beat him in horse but he’ll probably eat more crab cakes than me. Man, that dude’s a bigger load than me.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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