In college football’s capstone celebration for 2023, Sammy Sportface will be honored during the Wake Forest football game this Saturday at Syracuse.
The hyper-opportunistic and self-absorbed sports blogger will be holding a three-day seminar teaching the esteemed Syracuse journalism students a new form of sports journalism aimed at increasing Facebook followers, piggybacking off your alma’s mater’s football follies, and luring more people to click on your sensational headlines.
In pursuit of those goals, Sportface will hold seminars on:
How to insert yourself into stories when you’re not part of them and have no reason to be;
How to offer motivational pointers to improve the mindsets of coaches and players without seeming like you overstepping; and
Re-imagining journalistic ethics.
Hall of Fame sports broadcaster Bob Costas, a Syracuse journalism school alum, will present Sportface with an honorary and unique degree from the journalism school.
“Sportface has taken covering college football to new levels of self-promotion and irresponsibility,” said Costas. “We can’t even fathom yet how profoundly he’s changing how we even think about what journalism is or should be. We don’t know what Sportface is doing, and we don’t condone it, but we have to acknowledge his ingenuity.”
At Saturday’s game, Sportface will ride into the stadium on the Demon Deacon motorcycle wearing his Wake Forest Riley-Skinner-is-a-Winner jersey with Skinner’s number, 11, plus the number 55. When he launched the Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood some seven years ago in the office of Spars, Sportface deliberately chose to rock two different numbers on his jersey to stand alone in the over-crowded sports blogosverse.
Before kickoff at mid-field Sportface will be inducted into the Syracuse sports Hall of Fame joining Costas and Hall of Fame running back Jim Brown. But Brown is threatening to not show up to honor Sportface because he doesn’t care for Sportface’s publicity stunts, and lack of insights into how to break tackles, and doesn’t understand why Syracuse is honoring a Wake Forest sports blogger in the Carrier Dome.
Sportface has also been given press credentials in the Syracuse press box. He’ll be sporting a headset to call the Wake Forest offensive plays for The Great Santino, who will start at quarterback because he’s the only Wake quarterback with a winning record this season.
Barking incessantly into Santino’s helmet, Sportface will call Italian-themed plays that will have this exact sequence over and over the entire game regardless of the down and distance: “Rigatoni Right Rumble,” “Spaghetti Sweep,” “Fettuccini Flea Flicker,” “Three Yards and a Cloud of Cheese,” “Pasta Pass,” and “Pasta Punt Pass and Kick.”
Sportface will also be leveraging the savant-like sideline sign-stealing skills of Connor Macaroni, who was recently relieved of his sign-stealing duties by Michigan but found a home on the Wake Forest sideline for the final game because Sportface wanted his input and any edge Wake could get to win the game regardless of ethics or rules.
To stymie Syracuse’s sign stealers, the Wake Forest backup quarterbacks will be raising cardboard signs with pictures of Michael Corleone with spaghetti noodles dangling from his mouth like Marlboros, a slice of meat lasagna in the shape of a football, and an indelicate black and gold photo of Sportface stuffing pasta shells under his Riley Skinner is a Winner 11/55 Wake football jersey.
The game has been dubbed by Sportface the “Bottom Bowl” because Wake Forest and Syracuse are ranked at the bottom of the ACC based on their rancid records of a few wins and a labyrinth of losses. Sportface thought it would soothe Wake fans to have at least one bowl game so they could feel as their team has extended its bowl game streak to eight years in a row.
“It will be a blast being deified at the Bottom Bowl,” said Sportface from his Starbucks table this morning. “Sportface could not have boosted his personal brand nearly as much this season as he has without Wake Forest playing its way effectively into the Bottom Bowl. This team has served up Sportface a bottomless pit of tear-jerking stories to write that has blow-torched him into the biggest beast in the blogging bullfight.”
After the game Sportface will ride with the Demon Deacon on the motorcycle back to the Winston-Salem campus, stopping along the way at Burger King for a few Whoppers, reflecting on the journey to the bottom this football season was, and how high it elevated his notoriety and brand and potential opportunities he has to leverage those to enrich himself and his public persona during the wayward Wake Forest basketball season.