Flying high on the Transport Portal Airlines red eye, all 12 members of the University of Alabama Board of Regents have just landed in Boulder, Colorado. They’re on their way for a breakfast meeting with Coach Prime to offer him the head coaching job and presidency of their university for $10 billion guaranteed.
On their way, each is given a free gold chain and Prime sunglasses that they immediately put on for the meeting. They walk past a life-size gold bust of Coach Prime in the airport lobby in Prime sunglasses and gold chains.
Meanwhile, Nick Saban is complaining of panic attacks and is now having a session with his therapist. The University of Georgia Bulldogs football squad, winners of two straight national championships, tell their coach they’re not interested in playing because they want to soak in the 12/7 Coach Prime hype.
Construction began this morning in the Boulder mountains of chiseled gold Mount Rushmore-like sculptures of Prime playing football, Prime playing baseball, Prime being a rapper, and Prime coaching.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell meets with Prime to tell him he wants Prime to replace him as Commissioner. Prime rebuffs him saying that the job doesn’t pay enough.
“60 Minutes” announces it will run a 24-hour documentary about Coach Prime on Sunday. Netflix executives announce they’ll be airing a Coach Prime special series starting Monday.
Everyone who attends today’s game will be given a free set of Coach Prime sunglasses.
The College Football Playoff Committee announces Prime’s team will get a pass into the final game regardless of the team’s record – for the good of the game. Two other teams will play in the semi-finals and the winner plays Coach Prime.
Before kickoff, Prime shuts out from his pregame team speech all 77,000 media members covering the game saying he doesn’t want any distractions.
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