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Went to Candy Kitchen at the beach today. Hunted around for some cavity and root-canal generators.
Found the sweet spots.
Got me some Toxic Waste Worms figuring anything that tastes like worms from a toxic waste facility was worth a try. Life is getting on and we need to experiment. Toxicity isn’t as unpleasant as many people believe.
Also got me some Gummy Eyeballs. I know what you’re thinking. Eyeballs can’t taste good so why get them?
Because how could you not eat a bag full of Gummy Eyeballs? It’s candy, not real eyeballs.
Everybody have a Snickers and stay awhile.
Then went for a pound of Strawberry Chicken Feet figuring it’s just chicken with a fruity twist. Disgusting feet yes and maybe some fungus built in, but still chicken, which I’ve been eating since my toddler days.
Then I loaded up on Gummy Body Parts. One was the end of a finger plus the fingernail. Look, this is just being consistent. If you’re going to eat Gummy Eyeballs, it’s perfectly reasonable to also chew up Gummy Body Parts because eyeballs are body parts. I wonder why they didn’t just add the eyeballs to the body parts collection. Seems like they figured kids would be mischievously fascinated eating eyeballs and that was smart thinking because kids are that way.
Then I went with the Test Tube Candy. Not sure what’s in the test tube but hoping it’s candy and not some chemicals from the periodic table or, holy highballs, squid juice.
For patriotic reasons, I had to go with two pounds of Green Apple Army Men. They look like those little army men in the Toy Story movie except they don’t talk nor carry guns around.
Then I got me some Rainforest Frogs. No big deal here. Plenty of people eat frog legs so back off.
I thought about getting some Swizzle Sticks but they looked too much like rock candy which was always a non-starter. It’s like saying “Hey why don’t we invent a candy made of asphalt and call it asphalt candy? ” Kids will go for it. Or maybe we should call something Metal Candy. Kids would eat metal.”
I could have gone for the Wax Bottles but that would have been too juvenile. It’s candy for little kids, not adults, plus I wasn’t thirsty, plus I felt the need to draw the line. I’m an adult and, in all honesty, too old to be knocking back a 12-pack of Wax Bottles.
All of which makes me wonder about the marketers naming candy at Candy Kitchen. Why would a kid want to eat chicken feet and eyeballs?
Something about candy brings out the perverse in adults. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory wasn’t really about delicious candy but about demented adults freaking out kids.
It seems marketers at Candy Kitchen have taken a page out of the Willie Wonka playbook. Spook out kids. Name your candies something creepy and slightly unnerving.
Oh well, this is not that important. I’m sure when I go back to Candy Kitchen next week and then next year the same Chicken Feet and Body Parts and Green Apple Army men and everything else I bought today will still be in the same containers.
No one besides me will buy them. Parents won’t let their kids buy creepily named candies because it might give them nightmares and who needs those, especially at the beach?
All these candies will go stale and rot until I stop by 365 days from now and buy some more and eat them while writing a blog about Candy Kitchen, which I plan to do every year for the rest of my life.
Whether you want me to or not.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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