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“So Sportface, what tune would you like to hear?” asks Arnold Bradley Fagg to Sportface while sitting around the fire pit with the fellas last night at his crib on the Chesapeake Bay.
“Goodbye Girl by Squeeze,” says Sportface without a nanosecond of hesitation.
Arnold then puts on a Pandora’s Box of Elvis Costello tunes that drones on for over an hour.
“Why didn’t you play my tune?” asks Sportface.
“Because I don’t care about what you want, Sportface,” says Arnold. “Elvis Costello is the greatest musician who has ever lived.”
You have now been let in on the inner circle of one of many contentious interactions that fumigated during Day 1 of Rally on the Chesapeake.
But there’s more. A highlight played out a few minutes early when Gibbons and Stoney while stuttering to each other guzzling vodka and toking stogies, begged Sportface to moon them as he stepped out of the pool.
“Show us your whole moon,” they shouted in unison over and over.
So Sportface turned his bottom in their direction and started provocatively dropping the back of his baby suit, striptease style, revealing one-eighth, then two-eighths, then three-eights of his bottom.
“More, Sportface, more,” Gibbons shouted.
But Sportface wouldn’t acquiesce. He stuck to his credo to always leave his audience wanting more. He steadfastly believes you should never show too much of your bottom or write blogs that blabber on for too many thousands of words.
Across the pool deck, James Joseph Cunningham bragged about how, in recent times, he’s threatened to beat up anyone in the Lockheed Martin finance department who broaches the topic of when he’ll retire so they can get him off their payroll.
“I told them all on our last Zoom call that I would slug them in the face if they even raised the issue of me retiring,” he said. “I’ll decide when I retire. Plus they know I know a lot of nuanced shit about finance that’s valuable to the business and pivotal in helping America build more destructive nuclear weapons while minimizing costs.”
Strutting out to the boat dock, Silly Willy and Arnold Bradley showed us all how to fish for sharks and whales without putting any bait on the hooks. All they used were fake-looking metal plastic toys.
“Sharks and whales won’t go for that,” shouted Sportface. “They want chicken or scarecrow skulls to chomp on or, if not that, some rat poison.”
“Shut up, Sportface,” said Bradley. “I know how to fish.”
After two hours, the fledgling fishermen caught exactly no sharks or whales. Unimpressed and bored, the gaggle of vodka, beer, and wine drinkers returned to the house for more discussion of why Jeff Pevey was wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt from the curious band’s concert in Santa Monica circa 1977. He never did explain why to anyone’s satisfaction, but it didn’t make any difference.
Then there was Silly Willy Reynolds sporting his Miami Dolphins t-shirt, navy blue sneakers, and black socks.
“You’re starting to look as bulky as Sportface,” said Sportface to Silly Willy. “You been eating at McDonald’s and Wendys and Dunkin Dunkins and Fastco, Slowgo, and Quick Check?”
“Sportface, come here,” says Silly. “He takes him to his car and pulls out a Wake Forest baseball team uniform. Got you a 2XL.”
Sportface struggles to put it on. It’s tight. But he wears it anyway because the Deacs are in the College World Series and the crew will be watching them choke away their dreams on Arnold’s 98-meter flatscreen on Day 2 of the Rally on the Chesapeake now in full throttle towards the path of destruction.
To finish off the Day 1 festivities, Sportface strips down and starts to gyrate on the diving board in his super snug baby suit. He wiggles his hips here and there and hoots to grab as much attention as he can around across the Chesapeake Bay coastline. He dives in.
Hundreds of gallons of water gush over the sides. It’s a flood.
The water pours into the first floor of the house and down to the basement. It rises and rises. Partiers start to panic.
They rush to their cars. Plumbers arrive with their plungers to unplug the toilets and clean up the mess all night long because the house has to be ready for Ripley’s arrival early on Day 2 of Rally on the Chesapeake, which is expected to be far more discombobulated than Day 1.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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