Deion Invites Transgenders To Join Colorado Football Team

“It’s time to take college football to another level of controversy and chaotic insanity,” said Sanders. “I welcome all transgenders to join our groundbreaking and revolutionary football team unlike any other in college football history. It’ll be Prime Time on a different scale come this Fall when we roll out the world’s first transgender football team.”

He says there will only be two new team rules: First, the female-to-male transgenders will not have to wear cups or jockstraps because their male organs will be artificial and devoid of nerve tissues, so getting hit there with a helmet won’t trigger any throbbing pain. And second, all the team’s cheerleaders must also be transgenders because they’ll root more zealously for transgender players, fueled by empathy, and develop better off-the-field rapport and close relationships with them.

This counter-cultural move by Sanders is sparking a wave of moves in which transgender athletes are starting to penetrate – or try to – various sports. This week 71 transgenders – a smorgasbord of men-to-women and women-to-women individuals – applied to become members of the LIV Golf Tour financed by the Saudia Arabian government. Not surprisingly, the request was turned down.

“We don’t want any transgenders of any kind on this tour,” said lead organizer and golf pariah Greg Norman. “This is a tour for men only who don’t mind being disloyal to the PGA tour and their native countries and are perfectly willing to compromise their ethics to make a buttload of cash. There’s no place on the LIV Tour for people who changed their sexes. That’s not in our mission statement. Plus the Saudi Arabians don’t like women.”

The NBA, meanwhile, has taken a more open-minded stance on allowing transgenders to play in the Association.

“It’s actually got some practical and revenue-generating benefits,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Players whacking each other in the balls is a hot new trend in the league this year. It’s shifting more eyeballs (no pun intended) to NBA games and spiking advertising revenues. When the transgenders get racked they won’t feel anything because their male genitalia azaleas will be artificial or simply not there. Having more transgenders we’ll be able to have more ball-racking with less pain and lower load management. The entertainment value will skyrocket and, hench so will bank for the NBA.”

Kyrie Irving also expressed support for transgender NBA players.

“The league needs more of this politically divisive behavior,” he said. “I plan to join the transgenders during the season when they have their marches and protests around the country. That’ll get me out of playing most of the season while still getting paid millions of dollars. I couldn’t care less about the transgender causes and rights – I only care about myself. But if I can skip a bunch of games while collecting millions, I support this NBA transgender movement.”

The transgenders will also be invading the sport of chess. The noteworthy wrinkle with this move is getting a sex change won’t have any effect on how well the transgenders will play because they won’t use their genitalia azaleas. That plus body mass, height, strength, speed, testosterone levels, and estrogen levels won’t factor into how well they play. Chess is purely a sport of the brain. Nothing about the male or female genitalia azaleas makes any difference.

Building on this transgender moment, the International Transgender Committee (ITC) this week announced that the first-ever Transgender Olympics will be held in France next summer.

In the Olympic Village for athletes, there will not be the traditional men’s and women’s rooms. There will just be rooms where the transgenders will be able to interact with each other as males or females or both.

“No sense dividing up the rooms by sex,” said ITC President Jacques de Maupassant. “These athletes have no sexual hangups or tensions. They all just love each other and can do whatever they want with whomever they want and no one will be able to follow what’s going on. That’s the sort of behavior we’ve always supported in France. The only thing that will be the same as the traditional Olympic Village is we’ll change the bedsheets every six hours.”