In my town, there’s a company called Fifth Third Bank. Next door to that joint is Tenth Seventh Restaurant. Down the street from that: Twentieth Fifteenth Barber Shop.
A gaggle of numerically combined company names in my hood. The eighth fourth-most ever.
Every time I look at the Fifth Third Bank I first start thinking it’s a typo. All that branding and signage for a company name that is just not correct. Utter nonsense.
Surely it’s not Fifth Third Bank. Is this the fifth-best or third-best? Is it located at the intersection of Fifth and Third Street?
Why not just call it Fifth Bank or Third Bank? Better still, why not First Bank to create the impression your bank leads the industry? Who gets excited to keep their money in the Fifth or Third Bank or the Fifth Third Bank?
Americans don’t want to be fifth or third. Our entire system is built on being first or bust. First Bank it should be.
I’ve got to believe pot was involved in this naming decision. A self-proclaimed advertising guru, let’s call him Idea Eddy, took a behemoth bong hit, kept it in his lungs for over two minutes, then blew the smoke into the air.
“I’ve got it,” they said. “We’ll call this bank Fifth Third.”
That’s a stoned thought.
The person doing bong hits with Idea Eddie, Freddie Flunkie, would ask: “Why Fifth Third? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Exactly,” says Idea Eddy. “We’ll get people blogging about our bank name and how nonsensical it is. Free publicity. We won’t have to pay for advertising. An ingenious publicity stunt.”
“Brilliant,” says Flunk who takes a deep abdominal bong hit to develop a tighter rapport with his boss. As he exhales the reefer smoke and stares at it billows toward the ceiling, he says.
“We may get the wrong kind of attention, though. Bloggers aren’t respected. And customers will be confused by the name. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t put my money in a company with a name that didn’t make any sense.”
This is the stupidest blog ever written. Does this blogger have nothing to do besides write about bank names? I can’t believe I’m spending time reading this.
The next day Idea Eddy, still high, presents his naming idea to the bank’s board of directors.
“Yep, you heard me right. The name of this bank should be Fifth Third. It’s original. We won’t have any copyright issues. It’ll be ours to flaunt all over the world. The launch of the name will get us coverage in the Wall Street Journal and Barrons.”
“But the press coverage won’t be favorable,” says the company’s president. “They’ll be making fun of our name.”
“Exactly,” says Idea Eddy. “It’ll be the tenth first worst company name launch of all time. What’s fifth third worst about that?”
Then he takes out his bong and each member of the board takes a hit.
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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