In the tomb, he lay dreaming about how amazingly supernatural he is. In the darkness — exactly the shade of Charcoal Briquettes you can get at Ace Hardware.
For three days and nights.
There was mystery. There was sadness. Time stopped. NFL flags flew at half-mast.
When would he emerge, if ever? Was he gone?
Suddenly, there was light.
Cheesus strutted through the darkness and into the light – not unlike the Batmobile emerging from the Bat Cave bushes — adorned with a block of Green Bay Packers yellow Swiss on his Jesus-like hair draped in an emperor’s forest green robe.
Our savior, God’s chosen quarterback, the smartest, the most all-knowing with more supernatural powers than Jesus himself. Smarter than God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. More wise, more insightful, and all-in-all better in every way. Superior to God Almighty who created the world.
Announcing Aaron Cheesus Rodgers.
Collectively, the world wept from Green Bay to Bethlehem. We fell to our knees and spewed prayers of thanksgiving. Cheesus was back among us, leading us forward, preparing to work more miracles on the football field, and enlightening us with his wisdom.
But where? Jesus loved. Cheesus doesn’t love – not even Danica Patrick. He has little regard nor time for the little people of Green Bay or coaches who aren’t as smart as he is. But give him his due: He’s the only NFL player, or person for that matter, to be resurrected from the dead besides Jesus. But Cheesus transcends Jesus.
You heard Jesus would come again. Cheesus embodies that promise. He’s returned to save us from our sins and his innumerable sins.
But there’s also this: Who knows the second coming would be a guy named Cheesus who was a self-absorbed, pompous, condescending egomaniac?
This isn’t what we all had in mind. We expected a person who loved and cared about us. We need someone who comforts us when we’re lonely and afraid of us.
This guy ain’t about that. A stupendously selfish asshole, Cheesus won’t stop trying to stay in the headlines because he needs attention. He went dark for three days to sustain our attention, not to save our souls so we would be able to spend eternity in Heaven.
Through the light of his return, we see the dark demons swirling in the mind, heart, and soul of Cheesus.
It would be best, we come to believe if he would descend again into the darkness, climb into the tomb, close the top, and never return for all of eternity.
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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