In what Advertising Age Magazine has dubbed “the most stunning Super Bowl ad of 2023,” national sports blogging phenomenon Sammy Sportface will announce he’s shutting down all his operations and properties effective immediately. Slouching all glum in his dimly lit office, Sportface will stare into the camera with tears in his eyes and say:
“Crap news, American fans all across our fruited plain. I hope this will spoil your Super Bowl experience watching Rhianna, whoever she is, dance around. (The “Violent Femmes” should be the half-time show and play “Add It Up,” by the way).
In recent months you’ve all grown painfully aware that Sammy Sportface has vanished from our sagging nation’s collective consciousness. Although once a household name and on top of the sports world – featured prominently in previous Super Bowl festivities — his flame no longer burns.
When a man’s a loser, he must admit it. This is a story like Willy Loman in “Death of Salesman,” a guy who couldn’t sell and wasn’t liked and should have just quit much earlier than he did. Today I’m closing down all things Sammy Sportface and driving in my Rav4 to Wendy’s for a couple of Baconators to snuff away my sorrows. Comfort food is the only palliative that can ease my pain.
Like all naïve entrepreneurs, I had high hopes for success. But like all incompetent and unrealistic entrepreneurs lacking the work ethic and transfixed by indecisiveness, my enterprise failed. The vision became blurry and is now washed away. When this trek began five years ago, the mission was to be the greatest sports blogger in the world, and on paper, based on my calculations and spreadsheet models, it was well within reach.
This difficult-to-copy initiative had palpable momentum. You felt it at one point, I feel sure. My followers grew steadily over the years albeit in modest numbers. But many quickly abandoned ship suspicious they were being conned. The growth trajectory has been too anemic to handle psychologically, physically, and financially. It seems no one cares about Sammy Sportface anymore and probably never did.
I’d like to thank all my readers and supporters around the country who have done nothing to help me grow this enterprise and left me alone to embarrass myself. You did the right thing to protect your selfish reputation and clench onto the potential for friendships in retirement. You were all right all along. There’s never been any upside to being associated with Sammy Sportface. Even I don’t want to be around this fraud anymore.”
Seeking comment about the thunderbolt ad, Advertising Age contacted Ralph Garcia, the editor who published 547 Sportface blogs over the past five years while paying him nothing.
“Sportface announces his retirement every once in a while to grab attention because he’s needy, always seeks validation, is insecure, is self-absorbed, has no friends, is wasting his life away, and is a real turn-off who needs to see a psychiatrist. I couldn’t care less if Sportface retires and in fact would prefer he does so he stops bothering me. I already got my website up and rolling.
“It’s generating tens of thousands in ad revenues per month that I always pocket myself and never share with Sportface. I can honestly say if Sportface dropped dead today I wouldn’t give a crap.”
Andy Advertising, a reporter with Advertising Age, said the Sportface ad will become the most watched in the history of Super Bowl ads.
“American appreciates authenticity,” says Advertising. “Sammy Sportface lays bare to the world that he’s a loser and failure. This ad captures a true American sports story of personal humiliation and despair with a poignancy and cringeworthiness never seen on television.”
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out
Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page