Taking a break from his Super Bowl preparations, Andy Reid surfs on YouTube TV for content the algorithms know he likes. He finds the exact video he wants, an online MasterClass titled “Everything You Need to Know – and Don’t Want to Know – About Cheeseburgers.”
The host of the MasterClass, a charlatan named Sammy Sportface, graphically explains that hamburger meat comes from bison, which are animals that graze in the Great Plains such as New Mexico, Oklahoma, Texas, and Montana.
“They wallow in shallow depressions of wet or dry soil, smothering themselves with mud and dust, waiting to die and be eaten by fat slobs,” says Sportface. “Bison have the reputation of being lazy, but they are bound to attack anything for no reason.”
“This is fascinating,” says Reid while chomping a double cheeseburger in his hotel suite. “I gotta meat this guy Sportface to learn more about these grotesque wild animals that get slaughtered and turn into my favorite food.”
A world-class cheeseburger aficionado, Reid famously said after his Chiefs won the 2020 Super Bowl: “I’m gonna go get the biggest cheeseburger you’ve ever seen.” Following that up, for Christmas last year his team gave him a godawfully gigantic uglier-than-rat poop cheeseburger.
“Hey Sportface, gotta meat you,” Reid types in the comments section of the YouTube channel. “In Arizona supposed to be prepping for the Super Bowl, but can’t concentrate. Obsessing about cheeseburgers.”
“Meet you tomorrow crack of dawn in the river valley in New Mexico,” types Sportface. “You’ll see where your burgers come from.”
Grazing in the river valley as the sun rises, Sportface and Reid, both human hippopotami, observe the UPS brown bison with heads the shape and size of Texas and the looks of an overflowing, 20-day-old trash in a junkyard dumpster.
“Is that where cheeseburgers come from?” asks Reid.
“Yep. We eat those disgusting creatures,” said Sportface.
The two men watch two bison mate. This goes on for about an hour.
“Any McDonalds near here?” asks Reid. “I could go for a stack of cheeseburgers.”
Sporting his worldliness, Sportface says: “There’s a McDonalds every two miles across every spec of land in the United States.”
At McDonald’s Reid orders five Quarter Pounders with Cheese; Sportface goes for six. Reid and Sportface pour mountains of ketchup all over their burgers. The fire engine red sauce oozes out the sides and onto the table and covers their hands, fingers, and wrists.
“I use between 7 and 12 napkins for every burger I eat,” says Sportface as ketchup splotches sprout from his chin.
“Me too,” says Reid. “Love wasting a lot of napkins. Makes eating cheeseburgers feel more like mischief.”
“How’s your bison taste?” asks Sportface.
“Like a wild animal marinated in a trash dumpster for a few months,” says Reid.
“Time for Burger King,” says Sportface. “Need to hose down several Whoppers. Man can’t just live on a half-dozen Quarter Pounders alone.”
“Is that bison meat too?” asks Reid.
“Probably, or maybe buffalo meat, but what’s the difference? Both kill you.”
Driving to Burger King as his tires lose air and the springs underpinning the front seats in his car weaken, Sportface asks: “Hey Andy, you ever see that episode of ‘Saturday Night Live’ when no matter what anybody orders at the diner they get served a cheeseburger?”
“My favorite TV scene ever — cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger,” said Reid. “I fell in love with cheeseburgers that night. Eaten over a million since then.”
“Give me 10 Whoppers,” says Sportface at the Burger King drive-thru.
“Hey, you’re my kind of guy, Sportface. You’re rotund like me. You eat massive numbers of cheeseburgers. How about you drive me back to the Super Bowl in Arizona? For the pre-game speech before the game, I’ll give you the floor so you can tell my players if they win you’ll give them a free MasterClass about bison-infected cheeseburgers, a guided tour of the river basin in New Mexico, capped off by an all-you-can-eat cheeseburger orgy at McDonald’s and rinsing it all down with BK Whoppers. I’ll pay for it all because I’m loaded and you’re not. But you’ll be the host, our team’s cheeseburger champion.”
“You’ll need to sweeten the deal,” said Sportface. “I’ll also need sky suite tickets on the 50-yard line of the Super Bowl and deliveries of cheeseburgers to my suite every 15 minutes. And your players will also have to sign up for my other MasterClass on fast food eating and why it’s more healthy than eating other types of food. They’ll also have to learn about bison mating habits.”
“My players don’t care about bison,” said Reid.
“They should,” said Sportface. “We all have to know about wallowing and mating in mud- and insect-infected river basins, as well as bison flesh, so we’ll understand when we die what caused it. It’s the responsible thing to do.”
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