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An event that has become the annual safe haven for fan debauchery, drunken stupors, and unrestrained shouting and jeering, the Waste Management Phoenix Open Golf Tournament, is announcing an unseemly attraction.
Throughout the event, the week of February 6, fans and players will be allowed to skinny-dip in lagoon sewage disposal pools. For those of you who don’t know or don’t care to know, our waste filters through home pipes and gets funneled to far-away stationed lagoon sites. These lagoons are like water purification plants but more disgusting and smelly. In these lagoons tons of waste gathers, festers and, by some natural bacterial wonder, becomes drinking water that pours out of our home faucets.
At the event, waste-laced lagoon pools will be erected alongside the greens at each of the 18 holes. Fans will be able to wade in the lagoons while intoxicated and take their clothes off to make the experience more organic. They’ll be encouraged to throw up in the lagoons where disgusting content won’t stand out.
Players will be encouraged to dive in these lagoons throughout their rounds as long as they don’t slow play. And once they finish their 18 holes they can stay in the lagoons as long as they can tolerate it.
“Soaking in a pool of public crap is a natural evolution of the Waste Management Open,” said PGA Director Gary Golf. “Every year fans and players at our event reveal deeper layers of reprehensible instincts. We’re adding juice to this event with a plethora of opportunities to wade in the crap juice anytime they feel moved to do so. The nudity is optional. But in the spirit of waste management’s free-thinking mindset, it’s on brand for us to allow those who feel compelled to strip and marinate in those lagoons for as long as they can stand it.”
Ten-meter diving boards will be built alongside each lagoon for the drunk fans to attempt backflips, gainers, bellyflops, and cannonballs from high above the crapwater. At the first tee, each player will hit a drive into the first-hole lagoon. The golfer who whacks his ball closest to the strategically positioned foot-long steamer log will win $5.
“I guarantee I’ll win this contest,” said Bryson DeChamboz, the Popeye of golf. “I’ll whack my ball 577 yards and splat into that 5- dollar foot-long. I’ll then get nude, flex my steroid Popeye biceps for the crowd, then do a backflip off the diving board into the brown lagoon.”
For more on Popeye click here.
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