Puberty exploded from Rudy like volcanic lava.
This unbearable boyish behavior gushed over during our boy-girl roller skating outings in seventh grade. Rudy fancied himself a natural roller-skating mogul, rolling around trying to dazzle the girls.
His pubescent hormones soared when he saw Sportface stumbling around and falling off his roller skates, holding onto the rail, showing a lack of coordination for the first time in his life.
“Hah, look everybody, Sportface can’t roller skate,” Rudy yelled across the roller rink. “Look at him falling down over there. He’s the biggest clod I’ve ever seen.”
Not only was this a belittling opportunity Rudy ran with. He also knew that every 30 minutes guys would choose a girl to hold hands with and skate around the rink for the first – but most definitely not last – opposite-sex touching of their lives.
Instinctively, Rudy knew no girl would want to dance with a dork who couldn’t roller skate. This meant Sportface wouldn’t be a competitive threat to him when choosing which cute girls to skate with.
We were living through a one-off paradigm shift. Rudy had faced nothing but fierce competition from Sportface in every walk of life other than roller skating from second through seventh grade. He lost to Sportface in basketball, football, baseball, tennis, swimming, and dare-devil diving at Mohican Hills Pool. Sportface skewered Rudy.
But not on roller skates. This was Rudy’s big chance to be the badass in his class.
“You suck at roller skating, Sportface,” Rudy hollered at Sportface while whizzing around the rink in earshot of all the girls. “What an effing clod.”
For the first hand-holding session and feeling superior for once stacked up against Sportface, Rudy had the temerity to ask Smoke Show Stacy Murchison to hold his hand around the rink. She was out of Rudy’s league.
“Hey Sportface, look at my holding hands with Stacey,” Rudy hollered. “She’s skating with me because I’m a better athlete than you. No girls wanna hold hands with losers who fall on their asses trying to roller skate. Go home and stop embarrassing yourself, you oaf. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.”
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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