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You’re older than America. Life is slipping away. How can you slow down this full-throttle trip towards senility then six feet under? Do these five things in no particular order by March 26th, 2023:
One: Once a week go to your local convenience store (Cumberland Farms, 7-Eleven, Cashions, etc.) and tell them you want to lie in the ice machine for 24 hours each week to preserve your body. The ice will slow the swelling in your ankles and knees and neutralize the acid in your stomach. We a ski, mitten and a scarf.
You’ll be buying time in there. Instead of living life burning up energy and wearing out your brain, arm, and leg muscles, you’ll freeze all of that so none of it ages and weakens. When you feel too cold, knock on the ice door to be let out by the convenience store owner. Drive to Wendy’s for a Bourbon Burger and a large Chocolate Frosty. You need to eat to stay alive.
Two: Do 300 curls with 15-pound weights every day. You’ll get stronger biceps. Pull up your shirt sleeves, flex, and show off to strangers and workers at Dunkin Donuts. That alone will make you feel younger, more virile, fitter, and more hopeful about your life expectancy. Audacity and absurdity fend off Father Time better than any over-the-counter supplements and Tony Robbins tapes.
Three: Eat more candy. If you’re going to have a vice, which you will because we all have them, you’ll be best served to munch on 5th Avenue Bars, Lucky Charms, and Screaming Yellow Zonkers than cigars and hard liquor. The latter two fry your brain whereas candy only causes your insides to shrivel and develop cysts. Better this than doing something that affects your brain.
Four: Watch more YouTube TV. The algorithms will start feeding you more salacious content of keen interest to you so you won’t have to get agitated looking for TV shows that interest you. The less aggravation you experience in life the longer you’ll live.
Five: Watch every single video Darden Jenkins posts on the Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog. You’ll become absorbed with the videos and his arguments with Sportface, and lose track of Father Time. The less you think about Father Time the more psychologically stable you will feel, the slower your cognitive abilities will deteriorate, and the more dexterous you’ll be using your TV remote control.
Author Profile
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out
Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page
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