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Duke will win the national championship next Monday night giving Coach K his sixth national title and cementing him as the greatest human being who has ever lived.
To build momentum for that historic victory, the Duke press office today released the day-by-day agenda for all the festivities honoring Coach K heading into this weekend’s Final Four.
According to the press office, the events will have one overarching theme. This man is, unequivocally, the greatest coach of all time in any sport, at any level, at any time in the history of the world. And more importantly, he’s a better human being than the rest of us. He’s a better character, possesses more discipline, and shows more empathy than everyone else past or present.
Here’s how this weekend of unprecedented tributes to Coach K will play out:
Wednesday Night: “THE GOATIES”
Coach K will sit on a lifeguard chair like an Egyptian pharaoh along the Gulf of Mexico in New Orleans. He’ll be joined by all the greatest of all time (GOAT) players and coaches throughout the sports world: Michael Phelps, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, Michael Jordan, and Jack Nicklaus among others.
But all of these GOATs will get up and say a few words about why Coach K stands taller than all of them as the greatest of all time, the GOAT of all GOATs. Tom Brady has already shared what he will say with Sammy Sportface.
“Sure I’ve won more Super Bowl rings than anyone else, making me the greatest football player of all time, but the accomplishments of Coach K both on and off the court elevate him to GOAT status even above supremely deserving GOATs like me,” said Brady.
To cap off the ceremony, Coach K will place his head in the ocean as the world’s religious leader, Pope Francis, does the sign of the cross on Coach K’s forehead and anoints him as the first living saint in world history.
“Normally we wouldn’t anoint a basketball coach sainthood status,” said the Pope. “But Coach K’s contributions to the world stretch far beyond basketball. He’s contributed more to this world than anyone ever has including every Pope since the dawn of Popehood.”
Thursday Night: The Statue Unveiling
In front of the Superdome, which is now being spray-painted Duke blue, a 400-foot Duke blue statue of Coach K will be unveiled in a candlelight ceremony. Business, sports, political, and academic leaders from across the universe will attend including Jeff Bezos, the president of Amazon, the world’s most powerful company.
“Had Coach K gone into business rather than coaching, he would be leading the greatest company in the world instead of me,” he said. “The rest of us super high achievers are not even in the same league as Coach K in impacting people as profoundly and consistently the way he has. Coach K is the greatest and most talented human being who has ever lived, more creative than Steve Jobs, more innovative than Elon Musk, more intelligent than Albert Einstein, and more admired than Mother Theresa.”
Friday Night: Bill Walton’s Four Speeches
One night before Duke’s Final Four battle for the ages with North Carolina, the Duke Blue Superdome will be adorned with 76,468 new Duke blue seats. At that event, former UCLA basketball legend Bill Walton will be rocking his Tai dai Dead Head T-shirt.
In back-to-back format, he’ll preside over four separate one-hour tributes to K: a convocation, benediction, homily, and keynote address. Each will exalt Coach K.
“I’m going to make the case in each of my four tributes that as great as my coach at UCLA was, John Wooden, Coach K has surpassed him as the greatest college basketball coach who has ever lived,” Walton told Sammy Sportface from the Superdome media room. “Wooden was the greatest man I’ve ever known and he became a father figure to me.
“But Coach K has become a father, mother, uncle, priest, deacon, and mentor figure to hundreds of millions of Americans – even the dozens of one-and-done Duke players he only coached for one year before they bolted for the pros. Quite simply, Coach K’s breadth of great attributes, from Army student to Army coach to leading so many with his heart, make it obvious there just isn’t any way to say any person born on this Earth has achieved as much and affected so many lives in so many positive ways as the almighty Coach K. I am honored to lead the ceremonies the night before the game and bring to the world’s attention that we’re now living at the same time as the single greatest human being who has ever walked on Earth – including Jesus Christ, the Son of God.”
Look for more coverage in the coming days of Coach K Coronation Week.
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