Dear Mr. Emmert (President of the NCAA),
I’m writing to you about my husband. You no doubt know him – everyone in the world does. He’s Coach K, the almighty leader of the Duke basketball powerhouse and dynasty the past 42 years.
He has once again led his team masterfully to the Sweet 16. You may find it fascinating that I’m already making plans for my husband and me to live lavishly for four days in an executive suite at the Ritz Carlton, a five-star hotel, at the Final Four. Mike will be taking me to my 14th Final Four as the Mother of Duke and it’s going to be the most emotional and satisfying Final Four in Coach K’s history.
I love those Final Four victory parties with all the Duke fans telling me how wonderful my husband is. We eat and drink our faces off – and don’t worry about the money being thrown around — because my husband makes serious bank for all the success he’s delivered for Duke.
Given he’s won five national championships and a lot more ACC titles than Carolina during his tenure, I believe it’s the duty of the NCAA to honor my husband in these last few weeks of his incomparable coaching career. It’s now the duty of the NCAA to take the lead in deifying him in three concrete ways that ensure no one ever forgets the Coach K dynasty. Here are the three deifications:
Deification One: Rename March Madness the Coach K Klassic. I realize the NCAA makes hundreds of millions of dollars each year promoting the March Madness brand name. But your organization will haul in hundreds of millions more – and see the tournament popularity and TV ratings rise to more stratospheric popularity heights – by running with the Coach K Klassic.
We all know Coach K already rocks a well-established international brand featuring shoe deals, book contracts, speaking gigs, and an outlandish annual salary for a university employee.
Everybody who knows anything about basketball knows the genius of Coach K as a mind- and ref-manipulator. We all know he’s the best leader of young men who has ever lived and would have become the best-ever Secretary of the Army had he entered government work. I’m glad he didn’t, though, because that doesn’t pay squat compared with coaching college basketball.
Deification Two: I also believe every game of the tournament should be played on a court named Coach K Kourt. No matter the venue, the court needs to say Coach K Kourt on it. I know Court is the correct spelling, but the K in Kourt fits with our goal to make sure everyone sees that big letter K everywhere. I want the letter K to be burned into every one of the six billion brains on this Earth.
Anything less would be an injustice to this man who has single-handedly made this tournament the money-grabbing advertising bling that it is.
Young kids playing basketball will fantasize about one day playing in the Coach K Klassic on the hallowed hardwood called Coach K Kourts. Picture this: Basketball video game creators rolling out a whole new set of products playing up the new Coach K Kourt brand. Money, money, money for me me me.
Sure this will create some logistical confusion with all the courts having the same name but that can be ironed out. The important thing is that my husband’s name gets plastered all over this tournament so everybody remembers how superhuman my husband was as Duke’s basketball coach.
A man as magnificent as him deserves to be deified and immortalized forever. And I don’t care if it seems his name is plastered in too many places on too many courts. People will need to get over that and accept what we all know: That’s Coach K dominated college basketball like no other coach or player ever has or ever will.
Deification Three: I also demand that CBS and TNT post a new Duke blue logo of Coach K as the backdrop for every TV studio. The logo should feature a big K with gold images of six national championship rings surrounding it. I know what you’re thinking: He’s only won five. You watch: In a few weeks he will have won six.
I trust you will do what I am asking for here because I am the dedicated wife of the incomparable Coach K. I am asking you to do these things in a polite form here.
If you don’t take these actions, I’m prepared to tap into the enormous powers of the Coach K brand – much more potent than you’re lame NCAA bureaucracy – to make all this happen in a more aggressive way, using manipulation akin to how my husband has coached his players for more than four decades.
I hope to see you at the Duke victory party at the Final Four but only if you agree to my demands outlined here.
P.S. And one final thing: You need to change the name of the Final Four to the Final K.
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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