Kyrie, Ben Simmons and Zion Named as Starters in NBA All-Star Game

There are guys who deserve to be starters in the NBA All-Star Game more than others for a variety of reasons including basketball talents, unfulfilled potential, boycotting and missing huge chunks of the season, and holding out for more money while losing tens of millions for not playing.

Kyrie Irving, Ben Simmons, and Zion Williamson lead the list this year and should be starters in this all-important basketball spectacle. So far this season, all three have done masterful jobs not playing basketball, diverting attention away from the NBA to off-the-court issues, and stirring up widespread dissension on their teams.

Kyrie has been leading this charge from the opening tip of Game 1. Unvaccinated until the day he croaks standing on some principle the rest of us can’t relate to, Kyrie only plays in the Brooklyn Nets home games. For away games, he hangs out, writes protest emails, and loses millions of dollars in compensation.

He’s achieved an All-Star performance level as an NBA player conducting political, social, and healthcare protests simultaneously.

“We think Kyrie has taken his protesting and refusing to play in NBA games to unprecedented levels,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “We support Kyrie’s right to boycott basketball games anytime he doesn’t feel like playing because it’s bringing lots of attention to the league.”

Not to be out-malcontented, Ben Simmons has been pouting non-stop ever since the end of last season when the Philadelphia 76ers, along with the fans, made it clear they wanted him gone because he’s the worst outside shooter in NBA history.

From the start of training camp, Simmons has been half-assing it at practices, not showing up, and demanding to be traded. He never plays in the games and is not really part of the team anymore. He burns bundles of jack every time he doesn’t play in the games.

“Have to say, Ben is giving Kyrie strong competition for the biggest malcontent in the NBA,” said Silver. “How could we leave Ben out of the NBA All-Star Game starting five if we put Kyrie on it? They’re both All-Stars at what they do, which is not play basketball and destroy the integrity of our sport.”

In a different category but still well-deserving on the starting five is Zion Williamson. Ever since leaving Duke after one year, this overhyped player has been on and off the court non-stop with foot fractures, sprained ankles, knee contusions, and torn ligaments.

In his first few years in the league, he’s played in a spectacular 19 percent of his team’s games.

“I figured my body is fresh because I haven’t played much basketball the past several years,” said Zion. “So I’ll have plenty of energy to get starter minutes in the All-Star game.”

Until he gets hurt in the meaningless show-boating boondoggle. Then he’ll be out for the next three seasons.