Mount Bushmore’s Newest Member: Pitt’s Pat Narduzzi for Faking Injuries

Welcome, all of you fuming football fans to Bushwood Country Club. Tonight we’re going to honor four great men who are going to have busts of their heads chiseled and embedded within a hill by the first tee of this prestigious country club where the movie “Caddyshack” was filmed. These four men will be celebrated as the everlasting and only four members of Mount Bushmore for demonstrating exceptional and glaring talents for acting in a bush way while coaching their teams.

The term “bush” originated decades ago in the minor league baseball leagues where these less-than-stellar coaches, teams, and athletes would play in small out-of-the-way towns across American in some cases amid the outskirts of big cities where lots of bushes sprouted up.

According to the Sammy Sportface Wikipedia page, to be bush is to be cheap and shallow, and unimpressive. A bush coach does things that aren’t always the right way to play the game usually in a desperate attempt to win and gain glory, fame, money, and free dinners for himself – not so much for his players. A bush coach is disreputable and lacks class and allows his ambition to be his ultimate downfall not unlike Shakespeare’s tragic character Macbeth but without all the bloodshed.

A bush coach may win a big game but do something during that game that shows he’s a self-centered low-life cuss. A bush coach resorts to gimmicks and bending the rules and goes home at night by himself and has very little respect for himself but won’t admit that to others.

Across the historical tracings of sports, there are plenty of coaches who pulled bush stunts and have shown who they really are – people we don’t want our kids to listen to. You know many of them. Bobby Petrino leaps right into our minds. Sure he won lots of football games while coaching Louisville but Bobby did something rather self-centered; actually, there’s no rather about it. He hired a college-aged volleyball player to be his personal secretary, which really meant his girlfriend and didn’t even interview other people more qualified to do the job because he didn’t care squat about them.

It was a slick stunt for a while until, damnit, that day he took her for a romantic ride on his motorcycle and crashed it thereby having to face the police and then a press conference rocking a neck brace explaining what happened so his wife and kids could find out.

Pretty scummy move by Bobby, and bush-league all the way. So he makes our final list of Honorable Mention Mount Bushmore winners.

But that was off the field and we could go on and on about bush moves by coaches outside the fields and gymnasiums and the first of many that come to mind is, of course, Rick Pitino. A winner, yes, but a really bush guy in many ways.

On the field, we’d be remiss if we didn’t throw out the name Pete Rose. Does it get any more bush league than betting on pro baseball when you’re a pro baseball coach? That’s top-shelf unsophisticated. But as putrid as what Pete did was he’s not even getting a bust from us as a Top Four Mount Bushmore bustee. That alone should get you to read further.

In the spirit of exposing people for whom they really are, let’s not delay this unveiling of four names any longer. In descending order, here’s the countdown of the four men who belong on the Mount Bushmore of bush coaches for the rest of their lives and ours.

Number Four: Coach K

A controversial pick for sure considering he’s won five national championships and many people think he’s a great man. But he still belongs in the top four and you would agree if you read his book “Leading with the Heart.” After enduring that self-absorption and gospel preaching, you feel as if you’re a second-class citizen because you didn’t go to Duke and play for his team. That’s bush. He positions himself as a great man with insights into how to be successful. You come away feeling that if you don’t agree with him you’re just a lesser person and who understands how to live your life. That’s bush book publishing.

Beyond his book, he teaches his players to flop to the ground as if they’re taking a charge even when the contact isn’t enough for them to have to fall to the ground. It’s called faking and it forces referees to make calls and his team often gets the charging call and the ball. That’s stretching the rules of basketball and bush. Sure taking charges is effective defense but he encourages his players to purposely fall to the ground and that’s stretching the rule of the game to a point that doesn’t feel right.

There’s more. He allows the Cameron Crazies to heckle opponents on the court, belittle them, and wave their hands in their faces giving his team an advantage over their distracted and psychologically tormented opponents. It’s an unfair advantage and doesn’t show class. It’s bush.

But above all else, it’s his constant positioning of himself and his program so he can look good. Currently, we’re suffering through this last season worship-fest of him at every game with everybody telling how great he is. He says it’s about his players and not him. He’s being disingenuous and trying to win us over that he’s a selfless man and he’s not. He’s got a big ego and thinks he’s really special and that’s bush. Welcome to the top four, Coach K. You deserve it.

Number Three: Sean Payton

I kind of like this guy in a way but when you think about what he did in the “Bountygate” scandal you have to conclude he’s willing to do classless and dangerous things in order to win football games. In that situation he allowed his defensive players to intentionally focus on hurting an opposing quarterback, Brett Favre because that would have given his team a better chance to win. I hate it when coaches get so desperate for fame and fortune that they stoop low and approve dangerous behavior. Totally bush. For that inhumane coaching, you rose to great heights, Sean, at the top of this pyramid. I know you don’t care that many people lost respect for you that you’ll never regain.

Number Two: Alex Cora

You seem like a nice guy and great people person, Alex Which makes it even more disconcerting and disappointing to know that you actually set up a system to help your Houston Astros players steal pitching signs so they would know what pitch was coming and therefore help your team win.

Stealing pitching signs using underhanded tactics couldn’t be a more unfair competitive advantage and you knew that and led the mischief anyway. Sure you admitted it. But that was after your team enjoyed the glory – and the additional money – from winning the World Series as abject, low-life, unworthy cheaters on a scale and with the audacity that shocked the deflated sports world and belief in the integrity of pro baseball. Nice work, Alex. Strong outing. Kids know what you did and I don’t think they’ll ever listen to you. You’re in the most elite club of Mount Bushmore bustees.

Number One: Pat Narduzzi

Coming into last Saturday night’s ACC Championship Game, pretty much no one outside of Pittsburgh knew who you were, Pat. I bet that ate at you and you saw how winning that title would make you much better known around the nation and enrich your bank account with a contract extension and much higher salary. Don’t we all want to be rich and famous, Pat?

Yes, probably. But when we have something important going on in our lives with the most to gain professionally and financially, almost all of us except guys like you compete on the level and live with the outcome.

You were too chicken shit to risk that against Wake Forest’s high-powered offense. You couldn’t figure out how to defend their delayed read pass option mesh because you, well, aren’t really super smart.

So you had a clever, albeit trashy, idea. Whenever Wake got a first down, you would instruct one of your players to fall to the ground and fake an injury so the offense would have to wait for all that faking to run its course. Series after series, guys mysteriously and with spellbinding consistency went to the ground as if they hurt their legs or ankles or whatever.

But you knew deep down then and now they weren’t hurt. You let one guy back in the game without missing a play after lying on the ground for 10 minutes and limping off the field with help from assistant coaches. I saw this. You ruined my night not because your team was winning but because you made me feel my investment in the ticket was a waste because I wasn’t watching two teams honestly compete. It was a fake football game and when that happens you can’t believe what you’re seeing and wonder what else isn’t real. It’s no longer pure and therefore I, like many people, felt deceived. Nice ploy, Pat.

You’re so shrewd and guileful, Pat. How to win the game? Fake injuries. You’re such a cool guy, a brilliant football mind. How satisfying it must feel now sitting in Pittsburgh as coach of the ACC champions knowing when you rest your head on your pillow with the lights out and no one around that you fooled everybody and got what you wanted: fame, glory, and higher earnings potential.

Well done, you brilliant and great human being to be emulated and revered by exactly no one. You’re the latest and greatest to be glorified as one of only four supremely classy men to be named to the Mount Bushmore of coaches.

Competition for this award has been fierce over the years. But for your willingness to fake injuries in the biggest game of your coaching life with a national TV audience watching, you richly deserve this honor.