New Academic Scandal Rocks UNC Before Big Wake Forest Football Game

Sammy Hartman, Sammy Howell and Sammy Sportface entered the dorm room of North Carolina quarterback Sammy Howell tonight.

It was time for Sammy Sportface to interview the two-star quarterbacks who will be in the spotlight this Saturday when undefeated and 9th-ranked Wake Forest, led by Hartman, will take on in-state rival UNC (4-4) powered by Howell.

Sammy Sportface kicks off the conversation with this softball question.

Sportface: So I’d like both of you to tell me what you’ve been studying in school this semester? You go first, Sammy Hartman.

Hartman: Well I’ve got a pretty light schedule this Fall because it’s football season. I’m taking Organic Chemistry, Nuclear Physics, Advanced Statistics, and studying 47 Shakespearean Plays. The latter is a 400-level course for seniors even though I’m a sophomore. I wanted to enrich my mind with both the hard sciences and the classics of literature. I’m pre-med, pre-law, and pre-NFL.

Sportface: Wow, Sammy Hartman. Sounds like you’re got a rigorous intellectual course load on top of all you have to learn, analyze, understand and execute on the field as the quarterback of the country’s only delayed run-pass option delayed mesh offense.

Hartman: Yes it’s an intellectually mind-expanding and mind-bending challenge but that’s what Wake Forest is all about. We believe in tackling the toughest courses the school has to offer to strengthen our brain muscles. Wake Forest is known around the world as Work Forest and that applies to the classroom and the football field and video room.

We aspire to not just be good in the classroom, but actually great, by stretching our minds as far as we can so we can think the biggest thoughts and generate the most valuable insights that lead to decisions that transform the world and peoples’ lives for the better in ways never done before.

Sportface: That sounds impressive, Sammy Hartman. Great to see you taking full advantage of the unique Wake Forest intellectual opportunities both in the classroom and on the football field.

Sportface then turns to Sammy Howell with the same question about his coursework this semester.

Sammy Howell: Well, Sportface, I’ve also got a full menu of courses on my plate. I’m taking Basket Weaving 101, The History of Basket Weaving, Basket Weaving by the Numbers, and Theories of Basket Weaving.

Sammy Sportface: Lot of basket weaving, huh Sammy Howell? Sounds challenging not to mention riveting and stimulating. Is Basket Weaving by Numbers sort of like those cheesy painting sets when you paint by the numbers?

Sammy Howell: Yes, it’s exactly like that. You weave the baskets by following numbers on a piece of paper so you don’t have to use any abstract thinking, which is really hard. You just do what the numbers tell you to do. Every guy on the UNC football team majors in basket weaving.

Sammy Sportface: So tell me, Sammy Howell. What’s that basket I see over there on your desk and why are there all those check stubs in there?

Sammy Howell: Oh, well that’s a basket I weaved in my Basket Weaving by the Numbers class. Those are monthly stubs for checks I have to write each month to Mark Emmert, president of the NCAA, to pay him off so the University of North Carolina doesn’t have to pay any penalties for its sham African America studies program of a few years ago in which the athletes took classes but didn’t really have to go to class and got easy As on papers.

UNC was going to get in a huge amount of trouble for this but Emmert cut a deal with UNC that all athletes that came to UNC would send him money – pay him off – in exchange for Emmert not giving UNC the death penalty that would have ended all sports at the university for several years.

A chill runs up the spine of Sammy Sportface. Ever since that scandal broke and UNC did not get the death penalty, he had wondered why given it was obvious UNC’s African American studies program was proven to be a bogus major that the college’s athletes skated through without having to do hardly any work so they could remain eligible to keep playing sports.

Sammy Sportface: Why do you have to pay the NCAA?

Sammy Hartman: Because we don’t want our program to be under the death penalty. We want to play football. So we pay off Emmert.

Sportface immediately ends the interview and runs to his satellite sports blogging office on the UNC campus in a basement. He writes a story for the university newspaper, The Daily Tar Heel, about this pay-for-play scandal and it runs on Wednesday morning before the big game this Saturday. The Associated Press also picked up the story, which led to additional pick up in 236 sports media outlets and 28 higher education online sites.

Once UNC students read the story, they were unanimously and viscerally appalled to find out the football team takes nothing but basket weaving classes and that the players pay off the president of the NCAA so they can keep playing.

They’re infuriated that the credibility of their UNC academic pursuits has been cheapened and discredited by a university that allows students to major in basket weaving and pay off the NCAA to keep the team on the field.

Out on Franklin Street, the main thoroughfare of the school, thousands of UNC students start protesting by yelling and screaming that this football scandal is wrong. They carry signs saying “Banish Basket Weaving,” “Football is for Fools,” and “The President Must Resign.”

The thousands of students take their protest to the practice football field where UNC players are scheduled to have practice that afternoon. They fill the entire field so no football team can practice. All of them start weaving baskets to mock the school and its support of basket weaving. On the field are at least 4,798 woven baskets. No one can step anywhere without tripping on them.

The team is unable to practice. The campus is in an uproar. TV crews from around the country from CNN, CNBC, ESPN, CBS, and ABC pour onto the football field to watch the drama unfold. It’s the biggest story in America.

“My team needs to practice to get ready for the Wake Forest game,” said coach Mack Brown. “Get those students off the field.”

The president of the university chimed in on a megaphone from his ivory tower: “I demand that you students get off this field right now. Our football team needs this field to practice. They need to prepare for this weekend’s game. If you don’t move off that field, we’ll raise all of your tuitions by $100,000 per year.”

The students yell back in defiance that they’re not going anywhere. Not one of them moves. It’s a standoff.

“No more basket weaving,” they chant. “No more basket weaving. No more basket weaving.”

It becomes apparent the students will not move no matter what threats the authorities hurl their way. They start heaving the baskets at the coaches and players, who run into the tunnel and out of the stadium.

ESPN college football analyst Kirk Herbstreit interviews Sammy Howell. “Sammy, what happened. How did this story get out? It wasn’t us at ESPN who told the truth. We’ve kept this a secret because we cut a deal with UNC that if we didn’t publicize this story UNC would give us $400 million each year in advertising revenues.”

“I was being interviewed by Sammy Sportface about this weekend’s game and he asked me about the checks in a basket I had weaved,” said Sammy Howell. “I told him. Didn’t figure it was a big deal to explain that I was paying off the head of the NCAA. But the whole thing blew up. I wasn’t using my critical thinking skills. I don’t have to use those in my basket weaving classes.”

To be continued…