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Miffed at his British Open opening round this week, Bryson DeChambeau unloaded at his post-match presser.
“My driver sucks,” he said. “The manufacturer doesn’t know how to make clubs that I like. They shouldn’t even be in business. They’re a fraudulent organization. Somebody should investigate them for business malpractice. They don’t know physics and calculus so shouldn’t be in the golf club business. If I had better clubs, I would have played better.”
A reporter, Sammy Sportface, asks:
“But Bryson, maybe it’s not the clubs that suck. Maybe you suck.”
“Shut up, Sportface,” said Bryson. “You suck. Your blogs suck. Your podcast sucks.”
Bryson DeChambeau roams around in the podium area thinking of what to say next.
“I’ll tell you what else sucks. It sucks that you guys, the media, think it’s funny that Brooksie Koepka makes fun of me. He’s a meanie. You love it when he Tweets about how much he loves his driver, which is just meant to needle me. He hasn’t dedicated his life to golf the way I have and yet you think he’s cooler than me. That sucks. All you reporters suck. You don’t respect my hard work. You respect a guy who doesn’t even like golf.”
Overthinking as he always does, Bryson plunges deep into self-reflection. Maybe, he wonders, he’s too scientific about golf. Maybe he’s taking the whole sport too seriously. All the protein shakes, the gaining 70 pounds, it’s just all too much. He’s getting fat. That’s putting added stress on his ankles and knees.
His weird obsessions are bugging everybody, he senses and making him less likable with each passing golf tournament. He has no friends and it’s because he’s a golf nerd, he theorizes.
He grabs his driver at the podium and starts swinging it around wildly.
“This driver sucks,” he says. “Golf sucks. My obsession with golf sucks. Physics sucks. Math sucks. My protein shakes suck. My strategy sucks. You all suck. But most of all, I suck.”
He slings the club at Sportface. The clubhead bounces off the watermelon-sized noggin of the infamous sports blogger.
“Damn my brain cells are all banged up,” says Sportface. “Now I’m not gonna be able to think clearly enough to blog about Boz. That really sucks.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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Bryson should read the following quote. A poor craftsman blames his tools.