There stood Joey Chestnut in his red, white, and blue casual attire.
The Coney Island crowd roared. Their all-time favorite hero was waiting to be introduced so he could strut to center stage and destroy opponents win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest for the 47th consecutive year and break his world record by slamming 76 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes.
He stretched his jaws wide, opened his mouth wide, ground his teeth, and practiced opening his esophagus. Then the announcer started in with this:
The world began with a big bang. After the big bang, seven continents were formed. This we came to know as continental drift. Dinosaurs took over for a few thousand years. There were battles and then along came other species to have their days at the top of the world.
At some point, there were battles between the Spartans and Vikings, who sparred to their deaths in the name of honor. Around that time the Red Sea parted. Yes, an Ocean dried up in the middle so heroes could walk through it. You saw this marvel of mankind in the critically acclaimed movie “Ben Hur.”
Centuries rolled on like ocean waves. Empires came and went. Countries battled countries, tearing each down and building themselves back up again. Planes were created to fly us everywhere we wanted to go. Henry Ford made cars and said you can have any color car you want as long as it’s black.
Our ancestors started to migrate from Europe. They landed on the shores of New York right here where we’re standing in the majestic scene we call Coney Island. The American spirit of ingenuity and innovation kicked into high gear. Shoemakers, carpenters, all sorts of businesses shot up on the ascent towards American prosperity.
One of those businesses was the inventor of the hot dog. A lad named Nathan. In a stroke of marketing genius, he called the business Nathan’s Hot Dogs.
Out of that came the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. For decades Americans of every race, creed and color have come to these Coney Island Shores to stuff as many hot dogs and buns down their throats as they could in 10 minutes, or watch the spellbinding debauchery play out.
The magnitude of this unparalleled American tradition has only one day when it will ever happen: The Fourth of July.
Then along came an American none of us knew before. Like an emperor of his nation, this man, this wonder, this powerful force beyond human understanding, showed up many years ago and participated in this glorious test of eating stamina.
What could we have possibly have ever believed about what would happen next? Who was this man? Where did he come from? And how does he cram so many hog dogs in his mouth faster than anyone in the history of the world, faster than any dinosaur, faster than the speed of light, with the ferocity of an untamed and starving lion?
An animal we found out he was. Not human, something else, a rarified type of creature from a place none of us has ever heard of or read about.
This year, he’s back, standing above us, the little people, the onlookers who gawking at what this creature can do and has done year after year after year – steal the limelight in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.
On this Coney Island street corner he now lurks, waiting to show us once again that one man, this man, comes from some mysterious colony of other godly gods, a performance artist extraordinaire, an exhibitionist’s exhibitionist.
Ladies and gentlemen, close your eyes. Say a quiet prayer of thanks for being in this creature’s presence one more time. Bow your heads. Kneel down. Watch this man in a moment walk up onto that stage and do the thinkable, break his own world record and swallow 76 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes.
We all know he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Every year, he comes here with an empty stomach, loosened jaws, and a throat wide open so he doesn’t even have to chew the hot dogs.
All Americans, wherever you are, stop right now whatever you’re doing. Royalty is among us. History is about to be re-written.
I introduce to you now the master of his domain, the world’s greatest as his chosen craft, the honcho of hot dog eating, the only truly self-actualized creature to have ever walked the Earth. Ladies and gentleman, roar once more for the incomparable, the inimitable, the greatest eater of all time… Joooooooooeeeeeeeeeeyy Chestttttttttttttnnnnnuttttttt
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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