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Baker Mayfield finishes up his brown and ice cream dessert at Applebees. Then he gets in his Pacer with his girlfriend, Suzy Q.
Suddenly, the Cleveland Browns quarterback notices something odd and creepy-looking falling out of the sky and over the Lake Erie horizon.
It looks like a burnt-orange flying saucer that George Jetson rode into work when he was the lead actor on “The Jetsons.”
“That’s a UFO,” said Baker.
Suzy Q saw it too.
“May it’s Moses parting the Red Seas,” she said.
“Hold on, I have to Tweet about this,” he said.
After pulling his car onto the shoulder, he typed:
“Saw a UFO while driving home from Applebees tonight. Thought it was the sugar rush from the brownie a la mode I ate that made me hallucinate. But now convinced it was a UFO. It was burnt orange – like the color of the Cleveland Browns uniforms. A sign that the world’s being invaded by extraterrestrial creatures. Time for all of us to hunker down in our homes.” #sleepingbags
Since 90,000 years B.C. nutjobs have been claiming to see UFOs flying around the sky, according to the journal Science. In all cases, it’s never been proven whether these people were lying to get their 15 minutes of fame, were stoned, and therefore prone to seeing things that weren’t there, or were telling the truth.
One thing’s for sure: UFOs are usually not burnt orange. This we found out speaking today with officials with the National Aeronautical and Space Administration in Cape Canaveral, Florida working the weekend shift.
“We’re more than totally confident Mr. Baker’s claim about a burnt-orange UFO is bogus,” said Neddy NASA, the spokesman for the association that put 26 men on the moon including Neil Armstrong. “Nine out of ten UFOs that have been cited have been either yellow, forest green, or chartreuse. All the UFOs in the history of the world have been one of these three colors and sometimes a combination of all three. Baker is smoking something.”
Undeterred, Baker called Ryan Fitzpatrick, the most intelligent guy in the NFL.
“You know everything, Fitz, do you think I saw a UFO?” he asked.
“What color was it?”
“Burnt orange.”
“B.S., Baker. No UFOs are burnt orange. Read your science journals.”
“Didn’t read science journals at Oklahoma. Played quarterback. Stabbed Oklahoma flags at the 50-yard line at Texas.”
Baker notices another object flying through the sky. It looks like the UFO he saw earlier. But it’s an air balloon. It’s burnt orange, the color of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in their early years with Doug Williams.
The balloon drops right in front of Baker’s car. It’s Antonio Brown.
“You still flying air balloons around, AB?”
“Yep, I fly them in the offseason. Magazines write stories about me being a UFO.”
“Are you a UFO, AB?”
“Depends on what you mean. If you mean would I give up $29 million in cold cash to fly air balloons, the answer is yes. If you mean I’d freeze my feet so I couldn’t practice in the preseason, the answer is yes. If you mean I’d sit out football because my helmet wasn’t comfortable, the answer is yes.”
Suzy Q is losing patience.
“Can we go home now?” she asks. “You obviously didn’t see a UFO. It was just AB in his air balloon.”
“But my credibility’s at stake now,” said Baker. “I Tweeted to the world I saw a UFO. I can’t just take it down and say it was just AB flying and air balloon. Nobody will believe that.”
“Sure they will,” said Suzy Q., “Sammy Sportface wrote about the air balloon countless times in 2020 and nobody questioned it.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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