Bright Star Leads Animals, Caravan to Tundra Fest in Green Bay

Bright Star Leads Animals, Caravan to Tundra Fest in Green Bay

Still hungover from Sports Gras, the caravan of vehicles and runners shake off the headaches and start the next leg of their trek through the NFL playoffs hat will ultimately reach a crescendo at the Super Bowl in Tampa Bay.

They head out on U.S. Highway 61. But to where?

As they cruise into the countryside of Tennessee, all of them – dozens of vehicles and thousands of runners —  notice a bright white star burning brilliantly in the sky. It has a magnetic pull guiding them where they need to go next.

In the pastures people notice throngs of animals as far as their eyes can see, all moving in the direction of the star. Cows, sheep, camels, sheep – thousands of them – are magnetically connected to the star, following obediently wherever the light in the sky guides them.

“Never seen anything like this,” said Brett Favre. “Wonder where they’re all going. So many animals, such an irresistible star pulling all these animals, cars, and runners forward, uncontrollably.”

For hundreds of miles, all the way through Tennessee and Illinois, the star pulls all people and animals northward. With every mile, more animals join, so many you can’t even see the grass and farmland anymore, just animals everywhere, over there, on the horizon, behind you, ahead of you – all moving in the same direction.

“This is unbelievable I mean, only Brett Favre could make this happen,” said John Madden. “I mean we’re driving along and then, boom, a star appears in the sky and then all these animals on every stretch of mile we drive are everywhere and headed in the same direction and, I mean, boom, we’re following the star too. This must have been Brett Favre’s idea. Only he could make this happen.”

Yet another car has joined the caravan. It’s a Cadillac Seville driven by Robert Kraft and he’s got Bill Belichick with him.

“Damnit, Sportface,” says Belichick as he reads the Sammy Sportface blog. “Why did he have to write that I’m jealous of Brady and that’s why I cut him in his blog today?”

“You are jealous of Brady,” says Kraft. “He was the cover of all the magazines, not you.”

“Yeah but it says here in the blog that you loved Brady and took him on trips,” says Belichick. “You really did love him, didn’t you? You kissed him a lot.”

“Yes, I did love him and still do,” says Kraft. “That’s why I’m in this caravan. I believe at the end of this, wherever the star is guiding us, we’ll find Tom Brady and be able to convince him to come back to the Patriots and win us another Super Bowl.”

The caravan rolls on. The star leads them further north. 

“Look, there are three wise men riding donkeys,” says Madden. “I mean you can’t make this stuff up.”

George Foreman Senior studies the animals, figuring out which ones to grill this weekend. “The good news is there are plenty of choices,” says George. “Man I’ve never seen this many animals, and they’re all moving in the same direction, straight north like we are. What a grilling we’ve got coming.”

It’s been 18 hours and 1,100 miles. Animals from all 50 states have joined the procession. Like a movie theatre escort, the star leads them to a little town.

“Reminds me of Bethlehem,” said Kraft. “I took Brady there during an offseason to make him happy because you were so critical of his play as a football player, Bill.”

“He deserved to be criticized,” said Belichick. “He’s a pretty boy and I had to be tough on him so the other guys would be afraid I’d cut them at any moment. When guys are afraid you’ll cut them, they do what you say.”

All at once, the animals, cars, and runners pulled into an enormous parking lot. They’ve arrived for the start of Tundra Fest, a tailgate outside Green Bay’s Lambeau Field to get oiled up for the NFC title game this Sunday pitting the Green Bay Packers and Tom Brady’s Buccaneers.

“We’ve returned to the birthplace of football, Lambeau Field,” says Favre over a megaphone so all cars, runners, and animals can near him. “Nothing could be more fitting than having Tundra Fest in the cradle of football, where it all began with Lombardi. That star guided us to the home field of the great Bart Starr. Welcome to Title Town. It’s time for Tundra Fest to kick off.”

Then the Violent Femmes, a Wisconsin-based rock band,  lubricate the throngs of people and animals with this:

To be continued…

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Sammy Sportface
Sammy Sportface
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