There you are on Bourbon Street. It’s the first day of Sports Gras.
A tent city has sprouted up along the sidewalks.
Look, there’s Gronk. His tent is packed to the ceiling with Manscape lawnmower razors. They’re for shaving men’s overgrown man regions.
Gronk demonstrates how it works. The crowd gawks.
“See, just run the lawnmower like you do in your yard, trim your hedges, and you’ll be all set. Now I’m ready to play tomorrow. I’ll be able to run faster and catch more balls with less bushy balls.”
Mr. T (Clubber Lang) wants a piece of this action. “I want the lawnmower to shape up my region like a mohawk just like my head.”
One tent over a similar scene unfolds. Stephen A. lies on a surgeon’s table. A doctor sticks a needle in his scrotum.
It’s a new procedure called scrotox that’s become quite a national craze like the pet rock. The aim is to reduce scrotum sweat. Scrotox also enlarges some men’s balls.
“I work so hard my scrotum sweats too much, damnit,” says Stephen A. “I ain’t kidding around.”
On to the next tent. It’s Forrest Gump’s ping pong casino. He’s the best in the world. Sports Gras attendees step right up and try to beat Forrest. None of them do.
But Forrest offers every loser a consolation prize. He fills two three-foot-long hurricane glasses filled to the brim with Dr. Pepper. He and the loser race to see who can chug the soda down the fastest.
Forrest wins but the loser gets a lot of delicious Dr. Pepper for being a good-natured participant.
The next tent has a different feel. It’s Tom Brady’s venue where his wife, Gisele, and dozens of supermodels swarm around him caressing his shoulders.
Brady talks about how he’s fending off Father Time using Roman. It’s a product that helps men suffering from erectile dysfunction. The treatment also adjusts the shape of men’s Johnsons if, for example, they’ve become curved like disfigured pickles.
“Roman makes me feel like a Roman,” says Brady. “That’s why at my old age I’m able to take my team deep into the NFL playoffs and will scorch the Saints tomorrow at the Superdome. All it takes is a little straightening out.”
Directly in front of Brady’s tent is the daily Sports Gras parade down the middle of the street. There goes Dennis Rodman in his wedding dress.
Now what? A giant red white and blue wedding cake the size of Gronk. There’s movement inside. The cake shakes.
Two old men burst through the icing. It’s Robert Kraft and Bill Belch.
“Tommy, we need you back in New England so bad,” says Kraft. “I love you and miss you so much. We can’t win our seventh Super Bowl without you.”
“You had your chance and you blew it,” said Brady. “But you might want some of this Roman, Robert. It’ll help you perform better when you go to Rosy’s Rubdowns.”
“Gimme some of that Roman,” says Belch. “Ever since you left we’ve been lost and we’re losing. I need something to get me straightened out and performing at a higher level. Old age isn’t gonna stop me from winning.”
Across the street, the warm up band, the Rolling Stones, plays “You Can’t Always Get What You Want But You Can Get What You Need.”
Minutes later, the Fez step on stage and plays this:
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