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From the Colorado mountains to South Beach to Texas and Philly and DC and every place in between in this great nation, the sports world has been losing its mind ever since Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson did the dastardly deed Sunday night. Yes, Sportface has the breaking news.
With his team trailing by three points in the second half, he pulled his quarterback Jalen Hurts and put in his third-string quarterback, whatever his name was, Snodgrass or something.
Oh my, Lord God Almighty. What a travesty. Pederson’s trying the lose the game to get a higher draft pick? He’s deliberately losing because that’ll keep the Giants and Cowboys out of the playoffs, two teams he detests? The integrity of the NFL has forever been shattered.
He’s committed football malpractice. His players are rioting in the streets of Philly, heaving cheesesteaks out their car windows. Treason. Totally unethical. He’s lost the locker room. Fire the cuss. Throw him in the clink.
“I’m not blaming anybody but I have to say I wouldn’t have done this to my team,” said NBC analyst Chris Collinsworth. “This just doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
Why? Why did he do this? Pummeled by the press, Pederson said he wanted to see his third-string quarterback to evaluate whether he’s a viable QB for the team going forward. No one’s buying that. Ah, that’s bunk. So why? Something’s askew. There’s an odor. Something’s rotten in the city of Philly.
Turns out there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation and you’re going to hear it here first. It’s breaking news.
As the game got tight in the second half, Sammy Sportface placed a call to his boy, NFL Commissioner Roger Goddess.
“Hey Goddess, my Washington Snyders have to win this game,” said Sportface. “You’ve gotta help me out or I’ll post a blog about all the dope you’ve been smoking with Ricky Williams and Tom Brady the past several months.”
“You blackmailing me, Sportface?” asked Goddess.
“Call it whatever you want. That’s not my concern. My concern is my football team winning the NFC East title and going to the playoffs and erasing the New York Giants and their unbearable fans.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Call into Pederson’s headset and tell him he has to put in his third-string quarterback?”
“What if he doesn’t agree?”
“He will. He wants to lose anyway to get a higher draft pick. Your call will give him the cover he needs to make the decision.”
“Philly and Giants fans will go ballistic,” says Goddess.
“Perfect. Make it happen or the entire sports world will find out tomorrow morning that you’ve been getting high with NFL players and coaches. Twenty million dollars – your salary – will go out the window. You’ll be Roger Gonezo. Goodbye to $20 million, your power, and your stature.”
Thinking through what was in his best interest, as all rich men do, Goddess decided he wanted to keep his $20 million salary. So he used his private phone feed to communicate into the headset of Pederson giving the order to pull Hurts and put in Snodgrass.
“Why?”
“Because if you don’t Sportface will out me for being a pothead.”
“What?”
“Just do it. You know you want a high draft pick and therefore want to lose this game.”
“That’s so true, Goddess,” said Pederson. “Snodgrass, you’re in. That’s for giving me cover on this one.”
“Snodgrass, you’re in,” he says.
“What plays should I run, coach?” asked Snodgrass.
“Don’t worry about it.”
Snodgrass then threw an interception.
“I love you, Snodgrass,” says Sportface as he went to his frig for some more food and drink in a more relaxed mood.
On the next possession, Snodgrass fumbled and Chase Young recovered for the Washington Snyders.
“Atta boy, Snodgrass.”
In the streets of New York City and in East Rutherford and Rumson, New Jersey, fans screamed. One strategic move by a coach and their team’s playoff hopes evaporated.
“I cannot believe this balderdashery haberdashery,” said Stephen A. “Sportface, a sloppy sports blogger, is now influencing who makes the NFL playoffs and who doesn’t. Damnit, I want an explanation. I’m not kiddin’ around and I’m mad at everybody everywhere totally and absolutely. Sportface is starting to really bother and threaten the sports world once dominated by the spectacularly scintillatingly Stephen A. Snodgrass – that dude was sorry.”
To be continued…
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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