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Tensions sizzled as hot as the core of the sun when we last left you at the tailgate at Lincoln Financial Field before the Eagles game with the Washington Football Team (Washington Whatevers).
Sportface unloaded 23 years of hot lava into the grill of Whatevers owner Dan Synder from one inch away.
Now heavyweight boxing champions have gotten involved.
“Snyder shouldn’t take all this,” said Mr. T. “Get away Sportface. You’re just a stupid-face. I’ll crumble you up like a piece of putty and squeeze you until your squirt sportface out your eyeballs.”
Rocky Balboa moves in to defend his boy Sportface. “Hey Yo, Sportface has a right to say whatever he wants about his football team owner. He’s got a sports blog covering this whole tour to the Super Bowl and if he’s got something to say he can say it. If Sportface wants to fight the fight, he’ll fight the fight.”
John Madden finishes downing his fourth Philly cheesesteak and steps in.
“The Italian Stallion’s right,” says Madden. “Sportface is making up this whole story so he gets to say what he wants and I mean, boom, he’s writing about Brett Favre and everybody cares about Brett Favre no matter what he does. Did you hear about him throwing the football over the Super Dome earlier this week?”
“Shut up, old man,” said Mr. T.
T spots Danica Patrick standing near the grill with Aaron Rodgers.
“Hey girl, why don’t you bring your pretty little self over to my place and I’ll show you a real man.”
Rodgers runs towards Mr. T. to knock his mohawk off.
George Foreman stops grilling and jumps between Rodgers and T. Mayhem breaks out as the three heavyweight championships have to be restrained from beating the hell out of each other right there at the tailgate.
“Everybody just settle down,” says George.
Luckily, the Fez band has started traveling on this caravan and playing at tailgates and will be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show in February. The band takes it upon itself to start playing a song that they believe will get everybody grounded and stop all the acrimonious venom-spewing.
They start playing “Norwegian Wood” by the Beatles.
“We chose this song because we knew it would make the entire tailgate party stop and wonder why we would choose one of the worst songs the Beatles ever made to calm everyone down,” said the guy who leads the Fez corporation from supply chain to operations to human resources to philanthropy to PR/advertising/social/Instagram/Sag Harbor singing all the songs. “Norwegian Wood is about as far removed from anything anyone cares about as any song ever made, so we thought this would get the whole crowd out of their rambunctious mindset. It’s a deflection technique we use sometimes in choosing songs. It’s a Sportface idea that we don’t really support but made an exception to because a big fight was about to break out and this is the storyline Sportface wants us to follow.”
For a few minutes, everybody listened to the Fez play Norwegian Wood and almost forget that they were about to see a wild fracas involving Dan Synder.
“Why are the Fez playing Norwegian Wood?” asks John Madden.
“Shut up, old man,” said Mr. T. “I hate the song ‘Norwegian Wood but I hate an old man saying stupid things even more.”
The musical solemnity didn’t have a lasting impact on the mood of the tailgaters.
Several former Redskin coaches stroll up to the grill scene: Mike Shanahan, Steve Superior, Marty Schottenheimer, and Joe Gibbs. Right behind them are a bunch of over the hill players Shanahan signed for too much money who never earned their paychecks on Synder’s team: Neon Deion Sanders, Albert Haynesworth, and Bruce Smith.
“We took all your money and you were a sucker to sign us,” said Steve Superior. “I agreed to coach your team for a couple of years just to pocket a bundle of your cash and then went back to coaching college. I never had any intention of being a good coach for your team or staying more than a year. And you’re such a dope you fell for my con like you every one of the rest of us here celebrating today that your team is going to choke away a playoff opportunity in prime today tonight against the Eagles.”
Sportface chimes in: “Hey Gibbs, why did you abandon my team to get into NASCAR? You sold out on Washington fans. Yeah, you won us three Super Bowls but, in the end, you left a sour taste in Sportface’s big mouth.”
Finally, it was time for Danny Snyder to weigh in on this acrimonious situation. Sporting his $88,00 sunglasses, he says:
“You guys are all wrong about me being selfish and stupid,” he says. “Today I made a big signing of a running back who used to be an All-American for the University of Alabama. Roll Tide. He’s a great ping pong player and met three U.S. presidents. Today at Lincoln Financial Field you’ll see Forrest Gump put my team – and the entire Washington DC metropolitan area – on his back and carry us to the NFC East title on our way to the Super Bowl.”
Up steps Forrest in his running clothes, he’s been wearing for several days as he has led the running crew around the United States from Green Bay to New Orleans to Mississippi to Philly over the past week – a few thousand miles.
“And my quarterback today is going to be Brett Favre,” says Synder.
Mississippi strolls up in his Wrangler Jeans and Tommie Copper torso belt.
“This is the greatest thing that has ever happened in football history or any kind of history,” said John Madden. “I mean here we are at Lincoln Financial Field and then, boom, Dan Synder announces right here at the tailgate that Forrest Gump will be his running back today and Brett Favre will be playing quarterback. I mean, this is probably the greatest day of our lives and I mean of any of our lives and it’s all because of Brett Favre.”
Forrest says he’s a little bit tired after running thousands of miles this week. But to rehydrate he guzzles down 12 Dr. Peppers and heads to the stadium with Favre to lead the Whatevers to the NFC East championship – in his Alabama football uniform.
To be continued…
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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