Tired of Cam Newton and coming to terms with the fact that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a much better chance of winning the Super Bowl this year than his New England Patriots, Bill Belichick contacted Tom Brady this morning and said he wants to be his head coach in Tampa Bay.
“Tom I know we’ve had a lot of bad blood between us especially over the past year when you left us and we chased you down and in Seattle, partied at Drew Bledsoe’s house and jumped out of Antonio Brown’s air balloon, but I just can’t stand the idea of you winning the Super Bowl this year instead of me. You know what people will say about that?”
“Yep,” said Brady. “They’ll say what I’ve known all along, that the reason we won six Super Bowls was me and not you and that’s exactly what I want the world to know.”
“But Tom, come on, let’s talk this through. If I came to Tampa Bay, we could win six more Super Bowls together. All you have to do is tell Bruce Arians and the Tampa Bay general manager and owner that you want me to be your coach and it will happen.”
Brady pauses. It feels so good, he thinks to himself, that now Belch is needing something from him and is actually afraid that Brady is going to win the Super Bowl and the Patriots aren’t and Belch can’t stand the thought of that.
“But what about Antonio Brown? You cut him off the Patriots last year for character reasons. The guy can really play. We need him to win the Super Bowl.”
Belichick said: “Tom, AB can do whatever he wants as long as you let me be the coach of the Bucs. He can fly air balloons into every game and not practice if he doesn’t feel like it. You see, Tom, I’m desperate. I can’t let you win the Super Bowl this year and stain my legacy. Everybody will immediately say that you’re the reason we won six titles in New England and I can’t live with that because I think I’m the reason.”
“I get what’s in this for you,” said Brady. “But what’s in it for me?”
“I’ll be your coach again and you know I know how to win Super Bowls,” said Belichick. “Arians has never won anything. You can’t be as confident he will lead you to the Promised Land as you would be with me.”
“But what about you playing mind games with me like you did all the time in New England, never giving me credit, keeping me in check even though I worked harder than any other player and continued to perform at extremely high levels? What about that? You know what I’m talking about. This led to my supermodel wife getting angry and saying you were treating me like Johnny Foxboro, just a guy for you to abuse and use to feed your own ego.”
“All that is true I admit it,” said Brady. “I did abuse you and purposely not compliment you very often so you wouldn’t start to feel you were playing all the great. I manipulated you psychologically. I made sure you doubted to yourself whether you really were the main reason we won six titles. I couldn’t have you believing you were the main reason because that wouldn’t have worked for me. My ego needed to think I was the reason for the titles and that’s just the truth. I mistreated you for my own psychological benefits.”
“What about my psychological benefits?” asked Brady. “What psychological benefits will I get by bringing you on to be coach again?”
“Probably none,” said Belichick. “I’m not wired to make people feel good about themselves. You know that, Tom. I don’t really like people that much. But what I do know is if you let me be your coach again you and I will win another Super Bowl together and people will still wonder which of the two us deserves more credit for the six titles in New England.”
“I don’t see what’s in this for me,” said Brady. “Not a lot of upside. It’s sunny down here, by the way, a lot nicer weather than New England. I think I’m going to stick with my current situation. It’s been nice knowing you, Bill. Good luck with Cam as your quarterback. How many Super Bowls has he won?”
To be continued…