Amused and feeling haughty, Cam Fig Newton wanted to pop off about what he learned this week, which was that supermodel Gisele Bundchen was bitter at Coach Belch for not coddling her husband like a superhero when he was the quarterback of the New England Patriots.
In her words, Coach Belch belittled his quarterback – who led him to six Super Bowl titles — in a way that she described as “Johnny Foxboro.”
“That’s funny,” said Cam. “Johnny Foxboro is Johnny Gone. I’m the new sheriff in town. I won the starting job and was named a captain. And I’ve picked up on the vibe that Belch never liked Johnny Foxboro. Now I know why Foxboro ran away. Belch was looking for a cool dude like me.”
Until a few months ago, Cam roamed the streets looking for an NFL QB gig. Belch called him for a tryout with his team because he didn’t have any quarterbacks for the upcoming season because Foxboro bolted earlier this year when his feelings had been hurt for being treated like Johnny Foxboro for 17 years playing for Belch.
“I hit pay dirt,” said Cam. “You watch. Me and Belch are gonna roll through this disrupted NFL season in which no fans will be at the games and many will have to be canceled due to players catching the coronavirus. In the end, though, you can be sure we’re gonna be in the Super Bowl. And when that happens next April or May of 2021 or 2022 I’m gonna jab and jolt Johnny Foxboro.”
But Foxboro’s team is pretty loaded. This week they picked up off the sidewalk Leonard Fournette, who coming out of high school was the Gatorade, Powerade, Riptide Rush, Under Armour, and Mr. Pibb National Player of the Year.
Fournette will fortify the powerhouse offense assembled by the Tampa Bay Dragons this offseason that features Johnny Foxboro and Gronk. Today the Dragons augmented their offense even more by snatching off from the side of the road Adrian Peterson, the fifth-leading rusher of all-time who the Washington Whatevers cut this week for whatever reason.
“We’re loaded,” said Foxboro. “We’re going to the Super Bowl and there’s nothing I want more than to puke on Belch. I never liked that guy. As for Cam, I don’t give a damn.”
Belch was reached on his Nantucket yacht for comment.
“I don’t give a damn about Cam either,” he said. “And anything Johnny Foxboro achieved was because of me. Now leave me alone. I’m smoking weed with Ricky Williams.”
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